A Life Without Passion

So, I’m really attracted to people with a lot of talent that use it in some way, right? And I’m impressed with people that know, so clearly, what they feel passionate about and what talents they have and then work hard to achieve goals and be the best and have a competitive edge and all of that, right?

I am not one of those people. I don’t have career goals. I basically just have a job because I’m an adult that understands that we all have to make money and I feel like I have that little girl inside that always felt important when she got to go to work with her mom and hang out in the adult areas. The break room. Behind the desk. Around the office, behind the scenes. So I have that in my head that “Adults work in an office, and therefore I will work in an office and pretend to be a grown up.” I’m not passionate about my job but I don’t hate it, I do at least have that inside me. That need to like what I do. But I don’t need to love it and feel passion for it. It’s an means to an end. The end being “I am an adult with money that can do fun stuff that leads to happiness for myself.”

So, I think what I’m slowly realizing is that my only life goal is happiness. I want to be happy. I want those around me to be happy. My goal is just happiness and is that so wrong? I don’t need to be the best at making people happy or the best at my job or climb some imaginary ladder or even feel that I have a career. As long as I’m happy and those around me are happy….I’m good.

Am I wasting my life? Is this sad? That I am just a passionless, goal-less person going through life? I don’t know. What does that even mean, “wasting my life.” It is MY life, right? And if I feel that my goal is to be happy and I am happy doesn’t that mean no waste? Who knows.

I’ve also realized that I will continue to contribute to my 401k and make attempts to set myself up for a good retirement but….I’m also alive NOW. We’re not guaranteed any type of future so why should I kill myself and deprive myself and stress myself out NOW when I could just relax a bit? Not that I’m really doing any of that other than the stressing myself out thing. I worry about my future. I don’t know that it’s going to be great. But making my present less great won’t fix that, either, right? So…I’m going to work on letting go of stress. If I want the ice cream, I’ll buy the ice cream. If I want to take the road trip, I’ll take the road trip. Something could happen before “some day” arrives and then I’ll never be able to take the road trip. I’m alive now.

In not such heavy news, I brought my gym bag today and I’m contemplating joining WW to track my eating and get all of my shit on track. I have to lose these 15 pounds. I just do.

I’m happy in my life. That’s what matters. Sorry if that’s too boring for some.

The One Where I Say Good-bye to Health Woes

The last time I wrote, I’d just found out that my breast lump was just a cyst. AMEN TO THAT.

Since then, I went and hiked the tallest mountain I’d hiked yet. It wasn’t a hard trail, but the altitude and the things it does to my body made it hard. I get altitude sickness. Because of course I fucking do. I get every other weird assed ailment possible so why not this one, too? I don’t know what to do about it. I do know that I need to find a way to force myself to drink more water as I hike up the mountain, despite my feeling that I’m doing a good job of drinking water I am not. I need to snack more as I go up. Stopping at the saddle, just 500 feet short of the summit, did me in. If I’d just kept hiking I would have made it to the top. But stopping and letting it all catch up with me caused extreme dizziness and nausea to hit. I didn’t want to lose my balance on the last bit of up that was steeper and I didn’t want to push the nausea as I’m not supposed to throw up after my surgery. So….great.

The hike was lovely and now that I’m over a week removed from it I’m super glad I did it but at the time I was just mad. I felt like shit and my body hurt and I felt like I had no business doing it and even said “Why did I think I could do this?!” and everyone looked at me and said “Well…you did do it sooooo….what’s the issue?” I hate it when everyone just doesn’t let me be illogical and unreasonable. It’s so rude.

I was afraid to eat once we got to the post hike grub but a cheeseburger was exactly what my body needed and I inhaled that thing and then felt so much better. Behold the power of the cheeseburger!

And I’ve not done much in the way of activity since. I did some hallway walks. I did the gym once. But I’m committing to doing both of those much more often. The heat is getting higher here so I doubt I’ll be doing neighborhood walks for a bit but I can swim laps in the pool and do things like that in between hikes and gym.

On Friday I had the cyst aspirated. They did it with an ultrasound so they could ensure they got all the fluid out and let me tell you that was pretty dang cool to watch. I saw the needle go in to numb my breast and the cyst, which was the most painful part. And it made me queasy. Likely since I was watching it and feeling it. But then watching the needle go in and start to drain the cyst, seeing the cyst start to shrink smaller and smaller until it just no longer existed was awesome.  The bonus is that the fluid that was in the cyst didn’t have any blood in it, they even showed me that and it was awesome and gross. Like, that just came out of my breast!! But the lack of any blood meant that it was simply a cyst and no more testing or concern was involved. They just tossed it into the trash and that was that.

Later that night, though, my boob hurt like hell. It was tender and uncomfortable. I wasn’t anticipating that. But it recovered. It still has a bruise but it’s not sore anymore.

And with that, my current state of health is HEALTHY AND GOOD AMEN.

Tonight I am doing meal prep for the week and getting back on that train. I will lost 15 pounds and that is final. I’m making some nicely seasoned chicken breasts, some sauteed red peppers and zucchini, oven roasting some brussels sprouts with red onion and bacon, cleaning and cutting up some fruit for snacks, and making my bacon fat deviled eggs to breakfast. Solid plan. Solid menu. I’m a fan.

I also have become obsessed with Hippeas snacks. I like to feel like I’m snacking so it makes my heart happy to still have that while knowing that my snack is healthy. It’s a win win!! Woo!

My boyfriend has started eating less and running more, as if he needs to. But he’s doing it for me. So I’m not in this alone. And I love him for that and that’s gonna motivate me to really be actually motivated this time. Because dammit, I need to be motivated this time!

I’m Kool & The Gang

Because I’m celebrating that my breast lump was only a cyst. ONLY A CYST!!! It’s a rather large cyst. Like, sneaking a peek at the mammogram while the tech was out of the room without knowing what it was yet was jarring. Then seeing that big black area on the ultrasound was jarring. I made jokes and laughed but inside I was terrified. But the doctor came in and showed me all of it and talked me through it and explained that it’s just a cyst. I have a smaller one, too. So two cysts in one boobs, none in the other. I need to get it aspirated, however, since you cannot see through it to make sure nothing else is hiding back there. But overall I am full of relief and I can feel myself relaxing.

During the mammogram, they move you around into position and all that jazz. So, I’m all tense and she has to keep reminding me to drop/relax my shoulder. She’s trying to move me and get me to relax and several times she’d say “Wow, you are really strong. ” So I must have been an immovable force. Then, at one point, she’s trying to move me and she said “You really are strong. Are you a trainer or something?” and I got all proud on the inside and just said “Well, I hike a lot…” I don’t know if my stress was making me “strong” or whatever but I just do not feel like I’m that swole or whatever. But it sure did make me feel proud.

I’m using this new month to refocus and remotivate and I’m going to the gym tomorrow and then every Tuesday and Thursday like I used to with my trainer and I had to tell a coworker friend that I can no longer provide her a ride on those days and that will help me stick to my goal because if not, I’m just the jerk that isn’t helping her out when I totally could.

I bought a planner and I started using it this morning to fill in my goals, my tasks, my progress and all of that to keep me on track. I’m gonna do this! I have before and I will again. Boom!

I”m gonna do meal planning and meal prep and all of the things. Watch out!

But in the meantime, I have celebratory Oreos. Oops.

 

Severed

After I wrote my post yesterday something very hurtful to me happened. I’m not gonna go into any details here but I’m documenting it because it helped me get to even further realizations. The realizations are also hurtful but they also helpful in letting me know that it’s not in my mind, and that I’m doing just about the best I can in this situation. Of course there are things that I could have done better but ultimately it wouldn’t really matter. Which is the saddest realization of them all.

Because of this event I decided early in the day that I was going to have cake after dinner. I planned it and then I did it and it was too much and it was too much sugar after limited my sugar intake and I immediately felt like crap. I think I’ve even dealing with the after effects today. I feel all weak and dizzy and like I need a salad and protein to soak it all up and out of my system. So I’m having a turkey and bacon wrap for lunch and hopefully that’ll be better than the carbs and sugar fest. Dang.

We’re not doing the official weigh in today at the office due to the other girl being out but I weighed anyway to just stay on track and accountable and I’m up one pound from last week but that means I”m still down 1.5 pounds from the beginning and that’s not a lot but it’s not nothing so I’m using the events of the past 24ish hours to motivate me to DO BETTER.

I can do better.

We all can.

Realizations

I realized last night that I am far too interested and angry about what other people are doing in their lives. Like, things that do not impact my life one iota. But I’m irritated by it and I’m angry and I find myself wanting to complain about it and that’s just not good. And then it makes me wonder if maybe I’m unhappy in some way but I can’t put my finger on anything so who knows. I just know I need to figure this shit out and get back to my “who cares?” life.

A childhood friend lost her son yesterday in a car accident. It’s really sad because what parent wants to outlive their child and he had his whole life ahead of him and all of the reasons why it’s sad. I never met him but I was around her and her sister and her mom my entire childhood and I feel super sad. But, also, it’s brought back the memory of one of friends that was in our group that died a few years ago, also in a car accident, and I find myself sick to my stomach as if she has died all over again. I’m full of this weird, profound sadness and it’s so weird to me. We’d grown apart as adults. I moved away, she got super religious and right leany, she unfriended me on Facebook for reasons I never knew, and then she was gone. And then her Mom died. And then I think about my Granny dying and I’m spiraling in all these memories of death, you guys. I don’t understand it.

I’ve lost all of my motivation AND energy. I feel completely wiped out when I get home from work as if I just toiled in a mine all day and I can’t gather the strength to gym or walk or any of it. I don’t know why. I think I should go get a physical. Make sure the surgeries didn’t fuck me up, get my tinnitus checked out instead of assuming nothing can be done, and ask for a nice Rx for Ativan or some other anti-anxiety med that won’t make me druggy but will still chill me out as needed. Like, for flying. And being around certain people that trigger my anxiety sky high.

Yesterday I wore a bra AND pants to work and now I know that I just cannot wear a bra any more. I know most women find them to suck but it’s not that. It caused me physical pain. In my chest. Where I used to have the pain when my hiatal hernia issues started. So, a bra is just not gonna go along with my surgical repair. And pants are bad for me because I have belly fat and when I stand up it’s all smooth and spread out evenly but when I sit down it all converges in one big pooch and my pants that were too loose when I was standing up are suddenly so fucking tight I need to unbutton them. This is why I hate shopping for pants. They are not designed for people with my type of weight/fat distribution. Going from too loose to too fight tight is not a good design, guys. So, with the too tight around my waist paired up with too much pressure around my chest? I was miserable and grouchy most of the day yesterday.

I am, also, in the PMS stage and I think I need to just accept that PMS makes me want to be naked, quiet, and alone. Maybe? Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, just leave me be so I don’t grouch out all over your face?

My friend, Randi, and her family visited me over the weekend and I loved it. It was a super quick trip for them and I don’t know how they’re still upright after all of it but the kids were great, I took them to some of my favorite food spots, my dogs got more love than they knew what to do with, and it was just good to see my friend and her husband after so long.

That was a positive! I’ll end it there.

The See-Saw

I’m back down 2.5 which means I’m basically gaining and losing the same pounds over and over. I gain, I see what needs to change and I change it and I go down and then I think “oh, I’m doing good, come here carbs!” and then up I go again.

So, that’s fine and good.

I’m still in 1st place. Out of 2. Which is so absurd to call this a challenge.

That’s all I got. I’m still doing my spring cleaning and it’s all coming together and when I see my dumping ground room I smile because I’m turning into my Granny and she was pretty effing awesome.

Even if the dumping ground room is a hot mess. And so was Granny’s. But she was awesome. Let’s focus on that.

I’m aging into my awesome Granny. Go me!

Sproing!

So, it’s spring. Which is good. Except I’m in Arizona and we don’t see much difference outside of some flowers and cactus and other plants in bloom. But the weather is about the same and we get sort of rude about how lovely the weather is in regards to it snowing its ass off on the East coast. We’re the worst.

I did not make it to the gym again last week and I will not make it this week. Last week I was far too sore, I was giving rides to and fro work to a coworker friend with car issues, and I just plain ran out of time and steam. This week I am way involved in a spring cleaning project I started over the weekend and have plans in the evenings and wow, when did I get so busy?

So, the spring cleaning. It was totally brought on by an impending visit by a friend. However, I’ve had friends come to visit and all I did was a regular cleaning and life was fine. So it’s not totally due to her and her fam. I just, somehow, when I started doing the usual cleaning got all deep with it. And it’s a mess. Because I’m sort of kind of a low level hoarder. I have to accept this now. It’s fine. I’m cleaning rooms and closets and dumping shit into the office room off of my bedroom for the final push of de-hoarding and it’ll all be grand!

Right now, minus the closet, my computer room is done and it’s looks awesome. I decluttered the bookshelf, I am utilizing one of the built in wall shelves, my computer desk is, mostly, cleared off but I still have to do finances so I can only clear off so much at the moment, and my file cabinet does not have a large stack of paper waiting to be filed. Did I file it, you ask? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are so funny. No. I found a box and put it all in a box and that box is now in the previously mentioned dumping room. Oops. It’s fine. Also, the closet in that room isn’t too bad. I just have to pull out old computer equipment and dump it into the dumping ground to be added to the yard sale stacks. So I’m calling this room done.

The guest room is the same. All clean and good except for the closet. This closet holds all of my old props from my self portrait fun times. That ended 10 years ago. These should be dumped into the dumping ground and they will as soon as I’m done with the other cleaning what the eye can actually see stuff. So this room is considered done, too.

I’ve made a list of the rooms and the things that need to be done this morning and it made it all seem so much less over-whelming. Even though the list is longer than I thought it would be. It won’t be over-whelming, really, until I go to tackle the dumping ground. But then? My life should be de-cluttered and then I should only have to do the regular cleaning that other people do in their lives. Whew!

This morning I finished dusting the dining room and I’ll just do one final vacuum in there when I do the final vacuum of the whole front area of the house. The living room, kitchen, dining room areas.

All that leaves is the kitchen, the living room, and the hallway bathroom. My bedroom and the dumping ground will be tackled last and not at all before this weekend because whoa!

I’m also re-cleaning my diet but that’s gonna be blown this weekend and you know what? I care not. I’m happy and so there.

I hiked Saturday, I got almost all of my steps in Sunday and Monday, and I’m doing all sorts of moving and lifting at the house so I’m not worried too much about my activity level.

And that, my friends, is where we are today.

Square One-ish

Today is official weigh-in day. I am still, somehow, in first place out of the two of us BUT I went up and now I’m only down a total of 0.1. HAHAHAHAHA!

My carb and sugar fest has caught up with me and I totally know what I need to do to move forward and I shall. This is not a problem.

I am SO SORE. Sitting down hurts. Especially when having to sit down to pee. Toilets are so low, you guys. Ouch. But I packed my gym bag and gymming will happen again today. I may just, you know, not work my legs so I can hike Saturday morning as planned.

In other news, remember when I said I used a new product on my face and dried it the fuck out and I was so sad? Well, I did some research into the two products that I used and discovered other people had the same issue with the moisturizer, so I stopped using it. It was CeraVe AM Facial Moisturizer with 30 SPF. My usual facial moisturizer only has 15 SPF so I was trying to give my face more protection but by doing so I dried it way out after only two uses! So, no more of that. And my face has finally returned to it’s soft and smooth self. I also added Garnier Micellar Cleansing Water to my routine and holy fuck is that shit magical. I feel like my face is even softer and smoother and looks more even and glowy. But that could just be all in my head. Which is fine. If I think I look better it helps with my confidence and that reflects in my posture and my face and my all of it so I likely wind up actually looking better. It’s a win! I will say that all of my fine lines are still there and that’s fine. I don’t believe that any products can actually get rid of them and they are all selling you a lie. That’s what I think. I think you can look brighter and shinier and happier using some of these products but none of them are gonna do magic, you know? Let’s just all get happy with aging, ok? Stop calling them crows feet…that’s an ugly term and of course you’re gonna hate it. They are laugh/smile lines! That’s how they form! That’s years and years of laughter and smiling on my face!

I also finally cut my hair and it looks SO MUCH BETTER. Which is, I believe, also helping my face. My hair is healthier and softer and not so scraggly and it’s all better. Yay, haircut!

To recap, the carb and sugar bonanza is gonna end and my evening walks are going to get back to the serious phase and away from the “some walk is better than no walk!” slack fest.

And that’s the news as I know it.

Hurts So Good

Yesterday morning I packed my gym bag. Then I actually went to the gym after work. I made a plan and I stuck to it!

However, I had no plan once I was actually there. I had no idea what to do. Turns out, it didn’t matter. My former trainer saw me walk in and he came over immediately and gave me a hug and offered to write up a plan of action and text it to me so I would use my time well. He’s so awesome and it was just great seeing him and being welcomed that way. It immediately made me feel super from the inside out.

So, I got the plan, I asked him to come over and let me talk through it to him to make sure I remembered what it all was, catch up with him, and generally alleviate my anxiety before I embarked on this solo gym session.

I was nervous that I wouldn’t be strong enough to do some of the stuff after being out of the gym for so damn long. Turns out I had no need. There was only one thing I had to back down on the weight but I am nowhere near back to ground zero in my fitness and I, truly, felt like a badass being there and just being able to get back into it that way.

I left the gym smiling, happy, and feeling just empowered and great. I love that feeling.

Today I am sore, though. In places that haven’t been sore in so long! It’s awesome!!

Tomorrow is the weigh in and my weight is NOT going to be down. It’s up. And you know what? That’s fine. My main goal in this weight loss challenge was putting myself back in my routine and getting myself motivated to get all of my routines back in place and that’s happening. The weight will come off and it’s fine. I’m not a disordered eater and I don’t hate myself or my body. The opposite is true, actually. I am so happy and I love my life and myself and my body and therefore I want it to be healthy so it can carry me through my happy life for a long time to come. It’s possible to love and accept yourself while, also, making improvements.

Man! The gym! Tyler, my former trainer! He’s awesome. It was, just, really really awesome to see him and catch up and, really, to get that “you can do this, you silly ass” from him. Because I can! I did. I will!

I will!

 

I Need a Foam Finger

I’m still #1 in the weight loss challenge. I went down just a weeeee bit this past week to put me at 3.2 total pounds lost. I’m surprised, to be honest. I’ve been on a carb-fest and not doing my evening walks and my period should arrive at crap o’clock tomorrow so I’m likely even bloated sooooo, it’s possible once that is all gone and I don’t go full bore nuts with eating I’ll see a nice drop next week! Yay! And if I maintain this rate I should, hopefully, get to 11 pounds lost by the end. I can do this!

So, as I mentioned I’ve not been doing my evening walks. But I’ve also not just been going home and plopping on the couch, either. I’ve run some errands, straightened up piles in the house, cooked, and cleaned the kitchen a bit and that’s not really allowed for much more than, maybe, an hour of sitting in the evening. Which is great. But it doesn’t get me to my 10k steps goal, either.

Yesterday I had reached peak irritation and it’s amazing to me how my boyfriend and my friend, Randi, just know me so well, you guys. Usually my boyfriend knows just in how I answer the phone that something is wrong and Randi just picks up tone in my IMs! It’s amazing. So, she picked up my mood and then allowed me to unload on her for an hour and then I felt better and then I realized last night “Yes, this thing is bothering me for sure but….PMS enhanced it.”  PMS is a bad mood enhancer, you guys. Then I open Facebook this morning and see a Woman’s Day post that just feels like a nice “fuck you” to me and I want to lash out but I will not. It is not about me. It is about the person that wrote it and I can rise above.

I sure do get tired of rising above, though.

Saturday was the charity hike and it was the longest hike I’ve done since being sick and I did great without any training and that made me feel good. Like, I can tell I’m not in peak shape but I’m no where near ground zero shape, either, Woo! I now have a really big hike planned for May and I’m looking forward to that and I need to get in shape for it. A goal!! A GOAL!!

During the hike, however, I found myself a bit back from my friends and it was nice and quiet and I was just taking in my surroundings and I suddenly felt this calmness take over my body. Like, I literally felt it flow down from my head to my toes. Calm and happiness. It’s like a nice warm feeling, cozy and relaxing. In that moment I knew without question how great my life is and how happy I am. Everything is not perfect, of course, but my life is rad anyway. I have friends that love me and are just amazing and supportive. I have a great boyfriend that does all of these tiny, quiet little things to show me love. My Mom and Dad are supportive of me to the end. I’m in the right place, right state. I have hiking. I have my life and I love it.

My food this week, for those that want to know:

Breakfast has been egg muffins with roasted red peppers and chorizo with a bit of creme fraiche. DELICIOUS! Also my usual one cup of coffee with the Natural Bliss creamer.

Lunch has been fried chicken meatballs (paleo) and a bit of pesto orzo. I’m on a pesto kick. I want to pesto all the things.

Dinner Monday was a bit of steak as I cooked and a few meatballs to make sure they tasted ok. Dinner Tuesday was, not proudly but deliciously, a large bowl of Breyer’s Reese’s ice cream and a quarter of a steak. Dinner last night was creamy cajun pasta with Andouille sausage. It must have been real good because the boyfriend had three servings! I know I sure liked it.

Over the weekend I used my hike as an excuse to eat a corn dog AND a hot dog on Saturday and then I had crab alfredo on Sunday so, yeah, being down in weight is amazing. But I’m keeping my lunch time walks going so I’m sure that helps as does the not sitting all evening despite not walking.

I’m doing the right things, I know it. I feel good about it. I just need to get back out there in the evenings and walk it off. It’ll help the mood and help the scale and help with my training for the big hike!

This weekend I have a Blue Apron box coming so that will be lunches and dinners for next week. One has pasta. It’s fine.

On an unrelated to diet and hiking and me note….I have to take my wee girl dog that I love too much to an ophthalmologist this weekend to find out what the cloudy areas on her eyes are and what the future may hold for her. Going blind is not the worst thing in the world, of course, but she is my little hiker and I love seeing her stand on large rocks to survey her desert kingdom and it’ll be sad if she loses that. So, good thoughts for us that it’s something we can slow the progression of, or isn’t a big deal at all and only requires drops, or is just nothing but little clouds and nothing to worry about or put drops on. Please and thank you and fuzzy kisses from my girl kid.