The Hangover

I almost bragged yesterday about how I’d felt pretty good for a week and that I had a normal breakfast that wasn’t cereal and that I was cautiously optimistic that things were turning around!

But at 5:30 last night I sat down to eat dinner and wound up in so much pain that I was thisclose to taking myself back to the ER to make them ultrasound me right then and there.

So, disappointed has been the theme of today.

Luckily the episode only lasted about two hours but it was two of the worst hours I’ve had in some time. I don’t know if it was the most painful episode overall, but it was definitely the worst one in some time. It hurt so bad. I puked a tiny bit. Mostly I just sat bent in half and had little burps. Finally I forced some 7-Up down so the carbonation could help turn the tiny burps into big burps. Finally! A loud, huge, deep down belch and like magic I felt better.

So, now I have two more weeks until my follow up with the GI and hopefully I can keep it to 1 episode a week. That’s progress! That’s me being optimistic and hopeful. Despite the disappointment.

I just want to know what is wrong with me. I just want to make sure that it isn’t making more issues. I don’t want to wind up with some of GI cancer due to not having things resolved quickly enough.

I just want to know what is wrong with me.

And then I want to fix it.

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Shut Up and Dance

Not too long ago I found myself pondering at what stage in our history entertainers went from the “bring out the jester to entertain me!” to the “Wow, entertainers are the coolest and we should give them all of our money, attention, and respect!” level.

But now I find myself thinking that the “entertain me!” mindset is still in our brains and is only activated when the entertainers “forget their place” and start having opinions and shit.

HOW DARE THEY!!!!

Sarcasm, that is. I don’t care. I’m not in the shut up and dance crowd and I don’t understand that crowd and I don’t understand how they don’t see and hear how fucking racist and belittling they sound.

And I feel that it is absolutely nothing but jealousy when they start throwing salaries into the mix. Yes, it seems absurd that an athlete makes millions and millions of dollars while a coal miner or teacher makes little to nothing. But, when you think of the sports leagues as a whole and keep in mind how much money those institutions are making off the names, likenesses, and physicality of those people it makes sense. They are being compensated fairly for that industry.

I don’t understand how people don’t see that all of this patriotism they are currently feeling was a marketing scheme cooked up after 9/11 to try to entice people to enlist to the military.

I don’t understand how people that live in the United States and claim to love the freedom that that brings us can also turn around and want forced patriotism! Paid for patriotism. How is THAT respecting your country? How is THAT respecting anything?!

I don’t understand how the people that are currently whining the most over “disrespect of our flag!” are also the ones that would get a raging boner over a thin, blonde lady in a flag bikini while wearing a flag t-shirt and drinking beer from a can with a flag on it when every single one of those uses are going against the flag code they claim to love so much.

I don’t understand how the people that scream and cry over how much they love our Constitution seem to understand it the least.

I don’t understand how the people that worship our military don’t understand that the military is made up of individual people with their own thoughts, ideas, and opinions and that a lot of them have a very cynical viewpoint of the military as a whole and/or our country due to their experiences working within that machine. Or that some of those people, as they should, understand the Constitution and the freedoms it grants us that they signed up to protect and feel that it’s perfectly fine for people to sit, kneel, turn their back, totally ignore or whatever during the National Anthem because we ARE THE HOME OF THE FREE. It says so right in the song, ffs.

But that also means that those that don’t understand all of that and want to bitch and complain about it….they get to. It doesn’t matter how dumb or hypocritical they are being, they get to complain. Freedom is for all of us.

We all pick and choose who gets to have an opinion or lose their jobs over it. Duck Dynasty, anyone? We liberals lost our minds and were happy when they lost their jobs, right? We felt superior because they were being ignorant bigots.

They are allowed to be ignorant bigots.

And they are allowed to lose their jobs over it.

The only thing free speech gives us is protection from is the GOVERNMENT. So, the President doesn’t really get to use his damn Twitter account to call for the firing of people. I’m sure that it’s technically allowed, since he’s not rounding them up and arresting them, but it’s a grey area that shouldn’t be danced on.

We’re all hypocrites. All of us.

That all said, if people would calm the fuck down and just ignore what the NFL players are doing all of this would go away. Them quietly kneeling isn’t impacting you and if you’re pissed off about it, then you’re not really going to be happy with ANY protest they do. Quietly kneeling is as peaceful a protest as you can get. So stop arguing, stand for the anthem if you please, and sing along.

And, once you calm down, perhaps do some soul searching as to why it’s actually pissing you off instead of what FOX news and the President’s tweets are telling you to be pissed about. You might actually learn something.

We all learn something when we actually calm down, shut up, listen, then reflect.

Mundane Monday

I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I ate pizza on Saturday without issue. WOO!!!

I also went on a hike. It was the first hike in two and a half months and that is ludicrous Lu-dah-cris. It felt like I’d never walked up hills before but it also felt SO GOOD to be walking up hills again. And down hills. And on flat desert ground. So good.

I don’t wanna get all excited and think I’m totally cured so I’m being cautiously optimistic given what I carefully planned and ate over the weekend while knowing it’s been a week since I’ve had a full blown issue. Fingers are firmly crossed.

It feels really nice to feel like I have a handle on things and to feel like I’ve taken back control.

Fun With Drugs

Over the weekend my boyfriend reminded me of how drugged up I was when they released me from the hospital to go home and we stopped at the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. I had totally forgot about this until he brought it up.

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That’s my HSA debit card. It does not have a chip. It has a hologram square. But in my anesthetized mind it was a chip and I kept inserting it into the chip reader over and over trying to pay that way, only to fail and get super frustrated. Which just added to my frustration over them asking me so many damned questions.

Coming off of anesthesia is fun, you guys. Even if you feel like it’s over, it’s not. When they say 24 hours, they mean it.

In other news, my MRI revealed no blockages, stones, or anything at all which is actually good news. You really don’t want to have to go right back in after having surgery to have more surgery.

But it’s bad in that….so what IS the issue? I’ll go back to my GI in three weeks to follow up with that question. In the meantime I’ll keep on keeping on with my Prilosec, my dumb self imposed diet, and an IBS related pill that will, allegedly, help with the major discomfort when/if it arises.

Basically at this point I’m hoping that it really is nothing more than my system was super inflamed and needs to calm its tits and that once it does, it’ll be back to business as usual for me. Cross your fingers for me!

Routines

I had the best weekend. I decluttered my patio and made it all ready to be sweeped and hosed down. Living in the desert makes things dusty. It almost seems pointless to have a nice seating area, except I suspect people that do cleaning activities more often than I do don’t have that attitude or issue. I also took out all of the trash, broke down all of the recycling and took it out, cleared off my dining room table, framed all of the photos that I had printed, did laundry, bought the sprinkler parts that are needed for the repairs, and ran errands. On top of all of that, I had time to sit and chill, spend time with my boyfriend, play with my dogs, update the BluRay software on my desktop so I can watch Prince BluRays, and updated my iPod.

The best part? Even though my attempt at eating Chinese resulted in my stomach feeling as if it was on fire on Saturday, I successfully ate Mexican lunch on Sunday and things were grand!!

I love a good weekend that is equal parts fun and productive and chill. I achieved it and I feel great today.

The new working theory, with me and my Aunt anyway, is that my janky assed gallbladder inflamed all sorts of shit and my GERD is out of control and, possibly, my hiatal hernia is worse. I don’t know if the Nexium is really helping or if I am just sort of naturally coming off of the worst of it but I do feel improvement, even though I’m still unable to simply just eat without random issues. And since milk can, actually, inflame GERD I’m wondering if I need to cut back on my chocolate milk drinking, even though it seems to help. It could just be a temporary help in the moment then, later, works it back up!

One thing I noticed is that my stomach/abdomen makes all sorts of weird noises. So, the other night I’m sitting on the couch with my boyfriend and I can feel it and hear it doing whatever it’s doing in there to make that noise but I can’t really tell if it’s literally making noise or if I am just perceiving it to make noise. Cut to me catching in my peripheral vision my boyfriend casually looking over at me during the height of one noisy bout of stomachness and I just casually turn and meet his eye and then he turns away, no words exchanged. So, now I’m thinking I may just let it go and see how long it will take him to finally say “What the hell is that noise coming from your body!” It amuses me. Like, I wonder if he thinks I’m just low grade farting in the open. My body is a wonderland. #snort

Tomorrow I shall pack my gym bag and hit the gym! I walked up some stairs yesterday and realized it was all ugh for me and now I feel like a slug. So, fuck this noise I’m getting active!

I’m taking my life back. Yet again!

Wednesday Wambles

So, as I alluded in the last post all of my pre-op symptoms returned and therefore my life has NOT yet returned to normal. Not in any way. BUT! Since this is now my current normal I’m learning how to deal with it while we figure out how to fix it.

I’m living on a diet that mostly consists of Rice-a-Roni, various brands and types of boxed macaroni and cheese, various types of Oreo, chocolate milk, and, currently, chocolate cake. I toss in some deli meat here and there to make sure I’m getting some protein, too. It’s a shitty assed diet but it mostly ensures my episodes aren’t daily and/or that severe. Why these crap doesn’t set it off is beyond me. Why I can have an episode eating chicken wings at 11:45 then recover and eat the rest later in the day without issue is also beyond me. Do you see why it’s frustrating? The lack of consistency is maddening! But, to try to make my life the best it can be I’m sticking with my crap, known ok foods during the work day and most evenings, and then I will give things a go on the weekend. That way, if it sets me off I can just go home.

I’ve switched myself from Prilosec to Nexium and if I determine that is making a difference I’ll make my doctor make that switch official.

I had a MRI this morning to look for any obstructions in the bile duct or issues with the liver and/or pancreas. Sexy, sexy stuff, you guys. If that reveals nothing I’m going to ask him to order a barium swallow test to see if this is related to my hiatal hernia.

So, before we get all sad for my gallbladder, don’t. That thing was janky and had to go. I did not have an unnecessary surgery or lose a good organ. It was jacked and I’m glad it’s out of there before it caused more severe issues for me.

BUT! If this turns out to be nothing more than my hiatal hernia just needs some simple adjustment, I may still get pissed. One can never tell. Especially since I’m now over $4000 into this thing and we still don’t know what the fuck.

I currently am not hiking because, oddly, water will sometimes set off an episode (that’s what I call them now) and I don’t want to be miles away from the trailhead and suddenly feel like ass. The pain makes it hard to walk so that would just not be a good look. But it’s messing with my Zen in a real way. My Zen is depleted.

What I could do, and need to motivate myself to do, is go to the gym. I’m completely healed from surgery, and have been for a few weeks now, and there is no reason to not go. There are things I can do at the gym that will help with the Zen. There. I set a goal. Maybe?

I also need to stop going home and getting on the couch. I’m about to be right back to where I was when I started this here blog and that’s no good. There are chores and tasks I need to do and doing them will keep my mojo and my Zen flowing and make sure I’m a happy Andrea that doesn’t turn into the downtrodden Andrea as soon as I start to feel bad.

That totally means I’m being dramatic at times. I know this. I can admit this. But I don’t need other less self aware persons pointing it out to me or acting superior to me. I know I’m being drama, not being able to eat tacos will do that to a person, fuck!

It also means that because my Zen is depleted I’ve allowed myself to wallow or be all self pity party for a bit. I’ve had a few disappointments that, yes, are very disappointing and years from now I will regret making the choices that I made despite them being the right choice/decision. But it’s ok to be disappointed. I just need to stop dragging it around with me like a security blanket. And I just now realized that I’m not doing that anymore and then remembered that I’m on my period and my morose attitude over the weekend and the last two days makes total sense and people can suck on my balls.

In other news, I’ve started reading “Picturing Prince” and taking in the photos and I have to tell you….it’s delightful. I’ve laughed out loud a few times at the stories that Steve is sharing about his time working with Prince and I really do love getting even these tiny glimpses of him as a person and not just as capital P Prince. I suspect if you’re not a fan, however, you’d get no enjoyment from any of that.

And there you go.