Gassy

I’m now 0.2lbs lighter than my 2017 lightest so….yay! I guess. We’ll see.

This week I did my lunch time walks, I cut out most carbs, and a lot of the sugar I’d been consuming. I think these changes helped get me on the right track. That and actually having good meals that involved things like vegetable and proteins and fiber.

Since being at the ER this past Saturday I’ve noticed that I’m more burpy than usual and feel a bit more gassy in general so there’s definitely something going on in my body and I cannot wait to find out what it is. I don’t necessarily feel bad…like I can’t say “You guys…I feel so bad!” But I do feel overall ugh and blah and not 100%. Which is fine. I have discomfort in my center upper abdomen just under my heart, a deep sharpish pain on the lower left side of my abdomen when I breathe in deeply, and just a general feeling of gas all over. It is almost like how you feel after a day of vomiting. Like how sore your abdomen is with deep ouch like areas that aren’t necessary painful, just ouchy. And I sort of have a rumbling belly a few hours after eating that makes it sound like I’ve not eaten at all that day. And then I get sort of dizzy a bit, too. So, yeah.

Anyway. That’s what doctors visits are for, right? At least I currently have good health coverage. Thanks, Obama! /politics

It’s hotter than hell outside so I can’t get a lot of extra exercise and due to the way I’ve been feeling I’ve sort of decided that maybe I shouldn’t exert myself too much so the gym hasn’t happened. But once I get the doctor’s visits out of the way and hopefully some answers I can get back in some sort of groove.

Despite all of this my mood is actually really good. I feel more focused and centered and content. So, I’m on the right track! Yay!

Status

This is not OK:

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This is also not OK:

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We’re still doing a bunch of tests to find out what the fuck so we can make it ok, however. It’s either my heart or my gastro system. We’re clear on that much. Unless we find something else entirely not related to either of those things and then I’ll be “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!” about life.

This, so far, is OK:

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And that’s where we are with all of that.

 

On Being a Woman

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I feel about being a woman thanks to all of the think pieces going on now in regards to “Wonder Woman.” Overall, I don’t relate to a lot of what’s being said. But I can say that after bingeing on “Orange is the New Black” and “The Handmaid’s Tale” I’m ready to kick the shit outta some old, conservative, rich, white dudes and shake some white women until sense returns to them. (Disclaimer: Today is a bad day for me to express this, I just realized. I’m not tone deaf, mostly.)

“Wonder Woman” did have an impact on me, however. A much bigger one than I realized but, still, not in all of the ways it’s impacted other women. By the time the movie was over I was thinking “All of my life I thought Batman was the only superhero I needed in my life. How was I so wrong?!”

Generally speaking, I have to accept and acknowledge just how confident I am in who I am as a person in the world. I don’t feel the need to see myself reflected in my entertainment. I don’t watch things to see my story, after all, I’m living my story! I go to be entertained. So it doesn’t matter to me, really, if the cast is all men, white, black, women, Asian, speaks with weird accents or anything else. Is the story good? Great, I’m set. (Disclaimer: It does matter for me to see a movie based, say, in China told with Chinese actors, however. Some things matter, I’m being broad here, OK? I understand about representation and how important it is, I’m only speaking for myself now. Which puts me in the asshole privileged white lady category and I know that.) 

I also realize that my experiences aren’t the same as everyone else’s, either.  So many women report dealing with sexual harassment and discrimination in various ways and I just don’t have that experience. Or, the times that I can sit and point to that were somebody trying to be sexist in my face I didn’t internalize because that was on them, not me. They’re a jerk, I’m not and it didn’t hold me back or change my view about my place in the world around me.

I explained this to a friend at work and she smiled and said “You’re Wonder Woman.” And after seeing the movie I can understand why she said that and it kind of makes me feel awesome.

But it also makes me feel kind of sad. That there’s apparently so many women that do internalize this and question themselves and their place in the world. (Disclaimer: Here I am not talking about the women who are actively held back and discriminated against due to sexist assholes. I’m talking about the women who hold themselves back because they are women and have the belief that they should hold back.) 

This isn’t to say bad things haven’t happened to me at the hands and actions of boys. They have. But I never ever once raged and thought “If I’d not been a woman….” Never, not once. My only thought has ever been “That asshole! Why did he think he could do that?!” And I guess I just wonder why more women don’t think that. And I know the answer is misogyny and sexism. But internalized misogyny sucks balls and I just wonder what we can do to get that out of our fellow females’ brains? I want so much for women to just be more confident in who they are and to never question their ability to do something or assume they can’t do something simply for being a woman.

Your own individual limitations, sure. We all have reasons we can’t or think we can’t achieve something. I can’t climb certain mountains because I’m super afraid of heights and the thought of falling paralyzes me sometimes. Is this because I’m a woman? Hell naw, this is because I’m a neurotic mess in some regards. That’s genderless!

So, overall this is sounding a whole lot like I’m saying “Y’all just need to be more like me.” I’m not perfect, so that’s not what I’m saying. Especially since this is reeking of soooooo much white lady privilege right now. I should just shut up.

My main point, if you’re still with me after realizing I’m an asshole, is that we women need to help each other let go of that internalized crap. We need to help our friends and mothers and daughters and nieces to believe what I’ve always believed (so much love to my parents for that one), you can be/do anything you put your mind to. No limits. No exceptions. What do you want to do? Work toward that without doubt or question and you can do that. You can be that.

I just look forward to the day that it’s not such a breath of fresh air for so many women that they allowed the Amazons to have wrinkles and scars. To show their bodies jiggle when they made contact with the ground.  So forward. That, to me, would be the freshest breath of air.

Resignation

I’m now back up the 2 pounds I spent last week losing and for right now, while I’m a mess of anxiety and whatever, I quit.

I just don’t have it in me right now to focus on this and so I quit.

Acknowledgement

I’m anxious and slight depressed at the moment. Don’t even ask me why or point out how great my life is because anxiety and depression do not give two rat fucks about how great your life is. But I’m to the point where I can acknowledge this is going on and that means I’m starting the upswing and can finally get my shit together.

I hope.

I have to fly this week. After the last experience flying I’m really not looking forward to it but I’ll have to fly again some time, anyway, because I like to go places and so why not just get it over with. Besides, I bought the tickets before the last experience and I cannot get a refund and I’m a big girl and I can do this. I’m just not at all looking forward to it.

Like most people, I had a three day weekend. I spent Saturday with my morning walk then doing errands and lunching and car shopping with my boyfriend. I spent Sunday going on a day trip to a lovely hike with lovely friends. Then I spent Monday doing a whole lot of nothing that I had planned to.

Sunday’s hike has a few areas I’m not a fan of when my anxiety isn’t in place. But when it is? Good lord, I’ll act like a loon. But, luckily, my friends know me and they deal with me and get me through them and refuse to let me get angry at myself about it. My brain works the way it works and sometimes I can fight it and other times I cannot.

I had all of these grand plans for Monday. I was going to dust and vacuum my house. I was going to clean off the patio, patio furniture, and pool toys. I was going to test the sprinkler system to make sure they are all functioning as I suspect they are not. I was going to organize at least one room in my house. I was going to take my morning walk.

Instead I sat on the couch for a lot of the day and spent time in front of the computer a lot of the day reuploading photos to my Flickr account to use as a backup. And when I found myself obsessively organizing them once they were there is when I realized “Oh, Andrea….you’re in your slightly bad place.”

I have a lot of friends in my life that also deal with anxiety and depression. I have a lot of people in my life that do not. And what I am finding is that in a lot of ways, neither group has a good understanding of me. Which is fine, but sometimes it’s not helpful when they’re trying to be helpful. Anxiety, much like body shapes and sizes, is not the same from person to person. Yes, generally speaking it is. Much like we all have a heart, a brain, two lungs, etc. there are aspects of anxiety that are present in each of us. But, like, when I’m really in it…even though I have the OCD tendencies, I can’t do anything other than organize photos and then be as chill as possible. To be chill as if being chill is my profession. Because my body and my brain are humming so I have to be chill. And I cannot be chill if I’m dusting or vacuuming or any of the other things. Others put the nervous energy into doing that. Others can direct their energy into other things. I’m not that person. I have steps to go through. I have stages. So, it’s great for those of us that can divert. I’m not you. I wish I was. I logically and intellectually absolutely understand that if I could divert, I’d get out of my mess sooner and easier. If I could just make myself do that morning walk, I’d feel better. If I could divert all of that into cleaning and organizing, I’d feel better. Emotionally, however, I don’t have it. And that’s fine.

Sometimes, I just want to be understood. I just want to feel more acceptance and understanding. It likely won’t happen since when I want that the most is when I go the most hermitty because I just can’t. I cannot with all of the talking and all of the doing and all of the stuff. I just want “you” to understand through osmosis, but sheer force of loving me and caring about me. To pick it up through the airwaves and then to realize “yes! I understand her and what she needs and I will do this.” It’s an impossible request. People that have known me for my entire life still don’t get it. Maybe I’m to blame. I’m terribly good at just taking care of myself, after all.

At any rate, I’m up a pound and down in steps and I know why and maybe after I fly away and then fly back home and that’s behind me I can truly begin the climb out of this recent bout of crap. That’s my plan. I have a plan.

It’s good to have a plan.

 

 

Status Quo

I am finally back to my lowest weight for the year and can now focus on moving forward!

I went to the gym Tuesday and Thursday and walked on the treadmill for my two miles since it’s reached the 100 degree mark here and I don’t want to die. I walk a variety of speeds and inclines to mix it up and yesterday I listened to two episodes of The Mortified Podcast and they were hilarious and made the time go by quickly.

My trainer, former, was there on Tuesday and came over to say hi and I explained that I had no idea what to do in regards to strength training and he said he’d put together some outlines for me. YAY! Tyler is so nice. He was happy to see me back and said “yes, absolutely come in here just for the treadmill and get back on that schedule.” So I did. Go me!

I did my office hallway walk every day this week, with the exception of Wednesday due to work event taking up that time. I feel great. And I feel remotivated. And I’m gonna carry that motivation into next week.

And that’s the boring update on my weight and exercise!

Star Wars

So, I hear today is the 40th anniversary of Star Wars. As I am a nerd I am one with The Force as are a whole slew of my friends. So I’m seeing a lot of remembrances about the first time they saw it and things of that sort.

I was a few months from 5 40 years ago so I doubt I saw it at the movie theatre. I honestly do not remember the first time I saw it. I don’t have recollection of my first time seeing The Empire Strikes Back, either. But The Return of the Jedi, yes. That was in the theatre for sure. Because I remember the Ewoks and I remember my sister loving them. Basically Star Wars is just one of those things that I feel has always just been there in my life and my brain.

But, also, I think, for me, my memories begin and end when they can be paired up with my sister. Which is odd. But it’s the shared memories and experiences that we can sit and talk about that help with remembering them, I believe.

I remember seeing ET, The Goonies, Fox and the Hound, the Indiana Jones movies, etc. But I don’t remember my first time seeing the first two Star Wars movies. And that is a-ok.

And, no, the last two posts haven’t had a single thing to do with how much weight I’ve lost or gained or how many steps I’ve taken or not taken or what I ate or how I meal prepped or how it felt to go back to the gym. Because I’m more interesting than that.

But, since I went there, I am down a pound and a half and aaaaaaaaaaaaaalmost back down to my lowest of the year and that’s feeling pretty great. I’ll talk more about that in officialness tomorrow.

Happy Star Wars whatever. May The Force be with you.