Your Head is Under Water

This will be the only year that I mark the death of Prince. I’m not one to remember the day loved ones die. I rarely can even recall which year. That doesn’t make them less or more dead and I, personally, find it to be quite unhealthy to focus on someone’s death. Instead, I remember them fondly in moments that happen organically. I don’t look for signs or create moments. Something will happen and my Granny will come to mind. On her own. I don’t have to conjure her. I guess I’m saying I don’t dwell.

Prince’s death, however, dwelled for a bit. Which doesn’t make sense to a lot of people. And that’s fine. My life doesn’t have to make sense to you, thankyouverymuch. I stopped listening to music. All music, not just his. But then that went away. The tears stopped falling as soon as I was reminded that he’d died. It got easier. It got better.

Today there are reminders everywhere and I’m fine. I am having my own Prince Only Music Marathon in my car and at my desk today. And I was fine.

Until “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man” came on and I was singing and dancing and then suddenly I felt my voice catch in my throat on that sad lump of realization that I will never ever again be in the same space as Prince to sing and dance along with hundreds of other people while he’s on stage exuding the most joy I’ve ever been in the presence of. The man was ALIVE on stage. He was doing what he loved and there was no doubt. He loved music. He loved performing. And, oddly enough, he loved us.

I grew up in a really small town in WV so I didn’t have a lot of the same opportunities as others. He didn’t come there to do any shows and my family couldn’t have afforded to send me where he was going to be. I didn’t even have a way of finding out where those places would be. There was no Internet. I have no idea how information was even disseminated back then. It’s a mystery to me and I lived through it.

Once I was married, money was still tight. I sacrificed a lot and didn’t allow myself to partake in a lot of things. Like, when the Internet did become a thing and there were Prince fan clubs that he ran. You had to pay a fee. I didn’t feel that was an expense I should add to our household. But through the years I’ve read about how he participated in the forums. He got to know his fans. He became friends with them. He did special things for them. He offered them advice. He was a friend. And I missed out on that. Which is fine. That’s how life is, really. Growing up the way I did I understand that life has sacrifices and times that aren’t easy. That’s not how life works. But I can’t help but read these stories with a sense of regret. That’s likely just part of my grief.

Instead of holding on to those regrets, however, I am going to hold on to the memories of the shows I did get to attend. The times I was in the same space as him being part of something magical. Something joyous.

I will likely never forget where I was when I found out he had died. The first reading of the news that something was wrong at Paisley Park. The demands I made in my head for it to not be him. The chat I was having with my friend, Randi. All of the texts, phone calls, messages pouring in from people that know me and care about me in some kind of way. The people that simply love drama that wanted to create it in my life and be part of it. The closing of my office door so I could silently wail about this deep sadness that I was not expecting or ready for. My boyfriend contacting me immediately after the meeting he was in to make sure I was ok. Him going to see “Purple Rain” with me, despite him not being a Prince fan in any regard. The compulsive buying of any magazine I saw with his picture on the cover. Never forget. But hopefully the specific day itself will fade from my memory like it has for all of my other loved ones that are no longer here. Because life is for celebrating, not mourning.

Life is for living. Go crazy, punch a higher floor.

 

 

Recharge

This morning I got on my scale at home, which is a thing I very dumbly do every damn day. But this morning it indicated that I’d gained 4 pounds in a day and put me right back where I started.

After I set fire to everything I sat down in the smoke and thought about things logically. There is no way a person can gain 4 pounds in one day. The battery in my scale is dying. I have to tap it to turn on multiple times before it finally does and this is the last symptom of a dying battery. I don’t feel heavier and I would if I’d put on that much.

Once logic grabbed hold I put out all of the fires and continued to get ready for work. Once at work I got on the scale and saw something much more realistic. An increase, from my last official office weigh in, of just two pounds. That is expected. That is realistic. I will now buy a new battery for my home scale to protect the world around me from flames.

I have been feeling, um…backed up recently. So, I used my flame rage this morning and went to McD’s for breakfast to help get things moving. I now have high chest pains that are quite likely gas related and I think that was a good call. In my period induced dizziness last week I increased the amount of iron containing foods I’d been eating and that likely did this. Now I have to counter balance that. Great.

Next week I’m going to take a page out of Randi’s book and have salads for lunch. I’ve not been eating as healthy as I could or should the past two or so weeks and I just don’t feel super great. I think I need to reset and refocus. And so I shall.

I don’t know when this became a journal of my periods and poops but there you go. Enjoy the riveting drama of Andrea and her body.

Blood Lust

So, last week while having my period I was dizzy as shit, right? But that mostly passed. But then Sunday and yesterday I was just worn out. Like, fatigued is the actual word I would use. On my way home from work I needed to stop for some groceries and I suddenly knew I wanted steak. Super wanted steak. I never buy steak to cook at home. Steak is special and something I only have in a restaurant. However, I found a good looking filet mignon at Sprouts for less than $6 and I bought that sucker.

Now, since I don’t buy steak for the house that means I don’t cook steak. It’s been years since I cooked a steak. So I winged it. I melted some garlic herb Kerry’s Gold butter in a pan, along with some regular butter, over medium heat. I seasoned the steak with salt, pepper, and garlic powder on each side and flopped it in the pan and seared it on each side. Then, I lowered the heat a bit and then covered the pan with a lid. And let it cook that way. I like my steaks rare to medium rare. Nice and pink and juicy. And I cooked that steak perfectly!

However, I didn’t really get to enjoy it because my body said “PUT THAT STEAK IN ME!!!” and I devoured that thing as if I were a bear. I am a slow eater. I am always the last one to finish any meal. But that steak was gone before I could even register that I was eating a lovely steak that I cooked for myself. And today I feel like I’m a bit back to normal. I don’t feel 100% yet but I don’t feel like I could just lay down and sleep the day away, so that’s good.

But now you know the story of the steak I ate like a bear.

Do Over

dizzy week

Last Tuesday my period started and along with it came the most horrifying dizziness I’ve experienced yet. Being upright was terrible. So, no walking happened Tuesday or Wednesday at all.

Also, since my brain said “oh, shit…you’re dizzy…we need to fix this!” it decided food was the answer even though food was not the answer. But food I did.

Apparently “can stop, will stop” is my motto.

I’m up 2.6 pounds from last Monday and I’m not going to be mad about it because for my Friday weigh in it was much higher and no thank you. I’ll get back on track and downward progress will be seen once again.

I had Friday off so I worked out with my trainer since the rest of the week didn’t work out. I am tired and sore, man. Tomorrow is my last session with him and then the true test will be to see if I motivate myself to go gym on my own. I can do that, right? Sure.

Friday was also the only day I managed my neighborhood walk. Again, this is a new week. No shame spirals here. Only moving forward is happening.

I hiked Sunday. Then lay my ass on the couch most of the day. I feel super tired. I don’t know why.

There’s your update. You’re welcome.

Bronze

better week

I kicked shit into high gear last week and I’m not gonna stop. As Randi says “Can’t stop, won’t stop.”

My lifetime steps with my FitBit are: 3,216,561

I don’t recall when I bought the thing but I do know there was a period of time that I did not wear it so there’s that.

I came in third place in the office weight loss challenge with a total of 8.2 pounds lost since January 9th.

For my own purposes, I’m down 9.2. So just ONE POUND!! away from my first goal. SO CLOSE!!!

Yesterday I went to a birthday party and I ate a chocolate chip cookie and a cupcake and then felt like complete shit thanks to all of the sugar involved and I will never do that again. I’m not one with the sugar any longer. Sugar must truly now be in moderation. Thank you, healthy living.

I had house coffee this weekend and it was glorious.

I have pre cramps cramps and I’m in no mood! So this is your update with just the facts, ma’am.

Clean Up

Since doing the Whole 30 I’ve still read labels of the food I buy and I’d say I’m about 90% “clean” or whatever and I still avoid buying food that has unnecessary added sugar. But for some reason, I was still drinking this crap at home:

The ingredient list on that is a real shit show! But, even though I drink one mug of coffee at the office each day I still do not consider myself a coffee drinker. Even though I was drinking that mess at home.

I finally decided to come to reality and admit that I enjoy that bit of caffeine in the morning and I like the sweet taste. Since my coffee is not very much coffee like because coffee is heinous. So, back to the point, I bought myself a single cup* coffee maker for the house with the same type of coffee and creamer that I drink at the office.

I haven’t used it yet as I still had one more mug’s worth of that chemical laden bullshit and I made it this morning. And I didn’t even enjoy it and poured half of it down the sink. Good riddance to bad rubbish, right?

I’m still not following the Whole 30 because I do enjoy pasta, bread, and beans and they really don’t seem to cause my system any distress. But I buy pasta without any added crap. I try to buy bread with the least amount of added crap. I eat beans now and again. That whole everything in moderation thing, ya know? But I am trying to eat as clean, healthy, and naturally as possible.

But until Blue Bell makes their ice cream without added crap I’ll never be there 100% because you can rip the Blue Bell Cookies & Cream ice cream from my cold, dead fingers!

My final note will be a sad complaint. The office weight loss challenge ends next Monday. PMS is setting in and my period should be in full effect that day so there is no way my weight will be down and I may actually lose my 3rd place position and I shall be oh so sad. The end.

*Not a Keurig type machine. This one has a reusable filter that came with it and it was way cheaper and I’ll not be contributing to more waste being put into recycling centers and/or landfills.

Updatey

crappy week

Well, I had no idea I managed to get in 70k steps but I don’t think that matters much when those steps were, mostly, thanks to three days of moving. But I’ll take it.

Last week had all of the doctors appointments and just no time for walks. This week will be better!

I’m down 7.6 lbs for the official office weigh-in and 8.9 lbs for my official weigh in! How ’bout that?!?

Yesterday was the first fairly intensive hike I’ve done in some time and I am feeling it today. I was wiped out once I got home yesterday and was able to do nothing other than visit my boyfriend. So, today I will go to the grocery store and do meal prep for the week this evening. I did my hallway walk and that helped with the sore and tight muscles and I’m gonna walk this evening before I start the meal prep fun.

Boom! Updated.