Fun Friday

Today is my official WW weight in day. I am exactly where I was last Friday so on paper I am 0 more pounds down but in reality I lost 1 pound because I gained one over the course of my birthday feasts so there. And? My period straight up snuck in today, three fucking days early and with no warning signs!, so I may actually be down a bit and not know it yet. Woo!

During my health woes last year I stopped being able to wear a bra, right? I mentioned that. And then after the surgery I’ve noticed that I still don’t like having anything tight around my diaphragm area which is, I guess, right around where a bra band goes. Anytime I try to wear one it’s just super uncomfortable and makes my inside chest area feel not good. So, I’ve been going without one in some outfits and wearing a cami under my clothes as a stand in with other outfits.

Here is where I say something that will be an unpopular opinion that people will tell me is based on internalized misogyny or the patriarchy or some shit. And here is where I tell you to eat it, it’s my own opinion, dammit. You don’t have to like it, and you likely won’t, but it’s not because I’ve been brainwashed by some bullshit. So here goes….I just don’t like the way it looks when women with certain sized and shaped breasts go without a bra. It looks sloppy to me. And, I think this is due to me growing up and being around some folks that were just sloppy in general and therefore when I see the free-wheeling boobies of a certain size and shape I get all “triggered” in my mind and I don’t like it. But you do you, guys. You do you!

So, I say the above to explain, I had gotten to the point where I felt like I was looking a bit sloppy. Even though my boobs aren’t that large or droopy but they’re also not as perky as they once were and I can admit that. That’s fine. So, I restarted my search for a better solution to camis.

I FOUND THE PERFECT BRA!!! Oh, my god it is so perfect and comfortable and give me all of them.

It’s not much to look at but holy shit it’s amazing. It perks the girls up, it hides my nipples, it doesn’t show under clothes, it’s not tight, it’s magic. And I love it so much I’m gonna share my affiliate link here and if you use it, you’ll get $15 off your order and I’ll get a $15 credit and can order more! (https://my.trueandco.com/x/c1mFqt)

My boyfriend got me a really nice gift certificate for their store for my birthday, which I think is perfect and amazing. I really like him.

And now you know about my weight and my boobies.

I Wouldn’t Bother Reading This

Seriously. I’m just going to do some documenting and things. Real boring and a whole lot of TMI, likely, ahead.

Since my surgery I’ve had bouts of constipation and rampant diarrhea and very few days of just regular bathroom business. This happened on the family vacation a few times so my Mom, being a mom, went to the nurse in the family and asked her how to help me. She suggested I get back on the Prilosec to get all the acid back where it belongs and I was all “CAN I NOT JUST LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT DRUGS! I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AND BE NORMAL!!!!”

Dramatic? Me? Sometimes.

So, this weekend I said “Fuck it, I’ll give it a go.” Because the reality is that I had my gallbladder taken out and now all that bile is just seeping into my system on its own without being doled out by the gallbladder AND I come from a family that is famous for it’s GI disturbances. I should be happy I had so many years of regular bathroom business at all!

Saturday I took the first pill. I think it’s made things stop for a bit but I don’t feel constipated and bloated yet. But then this morning I had some diarrhea hit but I’m gonna hope that was just things getting rebooted in that area and now it’s documented and I’ll be able to see how things go from here.  Aren’t you so glad?

Also, since I’m documenting, I joined WW and I’m tracking points and I really mostly hate it because even though Oprah said “I LOVE BREAD AND I GET TO FUCKING EAT IT ON WW!!!” I don’t know how because most things are all the points. I’ll readjust but I sort of also want to just eat. Like, CAN I NOT JUST LIVE MY LIFE?!?!?

Dramatic? Me? Twice now.

The good news is that I was down to the lowest weight of the year but then my birthday happened and I put on a pound and it seems to be hanging out and feeling at home while I count points and eat properly this week.

And that may be all the documentations I need to do for now. I’ll update my poo report later in the week. I know you just cannot wait.

A Life Without Passion

So, I’m really attracted to people with a lot of talent that use it in some way, right? And I’m impressed with people that know, so clearly, what they feel passionate about and what talents they have and then work hard to achieve goals and be the best and have a competitive edge and all of that, right?

I am not one of those people. I don’t have career goals. I basically just have a job because I’m an adult that understands that we all have to make money and I feel like I have that little girl inside that always felt important when she got to go to work with her mom and hang out in the adult areas. The break room. Behind the desk. Around the office, behind the scenes. So I have that in my head that “Adults work in an office, and therefore I will work in an office and pretend to be a grown up.” I’m not passionate about my job but I don’t hate it, I do at least have that inside me. That need to like what I do. But I don’t need to love it and feel passion for it. It’s an means to an end. The end being “I am an adult with money that can do fun stuff that leads to happiness for myself.”

So, I think what I’m slowly realizing is that my only life goal is happiness. I want to be happy. I want those around me to be happy. My goal is just happiness and is that so wrong? I don’t need to be the best at making people happy or the best at my job or climb some imaginary ladder or even feel that I have a career. As long as I’m happy and those around me are happy….I’m good.

Am I wasting my life? Is this sad? That I am just a passionless, goal-less person going through life? I don’t know. What does that even mean, “wasting my life.” It is MY life, right? And if I feel that my goal is to be happy and I am happy doesn’t that mean no waste? Who knows.

I’ve also realized that I will continue to contribute to my 401k and make attempts to set myself up for a good retirement but….I’m also alive NOW. We’re not guaranteed any type of future so why should I kill myself and deprive myself and stress myself out NOW when I could just relax a bit? Not that I’m really doing any of that other than the stressing myself out thing. I worry about my future. I don’t know that it’s going to be great. But making my present less great won’t fix that, either, right? So…I’m going to work on letting go of stress. If I want the ice cream, I’ll buy the ice cream. If I want to take the road trip, I’ll take the road trip. Something could happen before “some day” arrives and then I’ll never be able to take the road trip. I’m alive now.

In not such heavy news, I brought my gym bag today and I’m contemplating joining WW to track my eating and get all of my shit on track. I have to lose these 15 pounds. I just do.

I’m happy in my life. That’s what matters. Sorry if that’s too boring for some.

Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there.

June? What’s June? That’s what my poor, neglected blog is saying.

I’m not even going to try to catch up. I’m just going to say that my period snuck way up on me today despite me knowing it was coming and I’ve been real damned irritable but I’m not super bloated feeling or looking even though I know I am and when I went to the bathroom I was unprepared and since our office building is renovating all over the place, including the bathrooms on my floor, I was on the 3rd floor and had to come back to the 4th floor to get my supplies and then go back down to the 3rd floor and that did not help with my level of irritability. Oh no. It did not.

The good news is that I walked up and down the stairs a few times and that my weight is a wee bit down which means it should be even more down once this leaves my body and yay!

I might try to catch up later. I feel like I want to document my awesome vacation but why? I’m going to document it in a book for my family so I may just do that and not here and that way it’s just for my family and friends that care to ask about it. You can see the photos in my Flickr, anyway.

Outside of that things seem ok. Other than I keep forgetting that I have no gallbladder and then get all surprised when I eat lots of fatty foods and wind up with diarrhea. I wanted to be one of those people that didn’t need to change their diet after having their gallbladder removed but I guess I’m not going to be so lucky and I’m currently just pissed off about that and just dealing with diarrhea and eating what I want. Why the fuck not? It’s only my life I’m impacting, right? Bleah.

I had to buy a new toaster and I hate my new toaster but it’s too late to return it as I’ve used it but it’s cheap and I hate it. The last one lived for 10 years so I guess I’ll get a new one in 10 more. Yay.

My car is paid off. I’m gonna use that money to pay off all of my little interest free debts and then be for real debt free and I cannot express to you how happy I am that I for real own my car. I own my car! My car is my freedom. And now it’s totally mine.

This week has been a series of dust storms and rain storms and it’s great. We’ve been so dry for so long and this rain is sooooo very needed and I’m happy as hell to be having them. So much so that I’m not even complaining about the mess it’s made of my pool and how now I’m on my period and my vagina doesn’t like tampons so I’m not sure how I’ll be able to get in to pick up large sticks and leaves and whatnots this evening after work. Great. That just occurred to me as I typed. I’ll figure it out.

Not sure why I felt the need to blog today. But here I am.

Here I am.

Welcome Back, Woes

So, last Friday I decided I should do my monthly breast exam. That promptly resulted in me realizing that my breast cyst has already refilled which now means my doctor wants me to go to a breast specialist and have it all just cut out with a knife. I just can’t even with this right now.

I have a very stressful family situation that I’m not going to get into here. But I’m typing this out to remind myself that it’s not my fault, the rest of my family is “on my side,” I have a very happy life full of friends and love and hobbies and interests, and it’s too bad that the other person can’t just see that and/or just have the same for herself. Following the Mr. Rogers documentary page on Twitter and seeing all of their tweets of his quotes and lessons about loving yourself and how special you are and how people love you just as you are have really hit home and helped me understand that I am surrounded by people that simply love ME. Even with my flaws and shortcomings and without any expectations or beating me down if I don’t meet them. Just true, honest, unconditional love for ME. Why am I letting ONE person bring me down? I’m not sure.

My weight isn’t changing and my activity level has been crap and most of this I’m going to blame on how damn busy I’ve been at work and in my personal life and there’s been no rest for this very tired girl. Not to mention the aforementioned stress isn’t helping. I suspect that on June 25th I’ll be able to breathe easy and get on the best track.

Seeing photos of myself right now, though, is not fun. I’m really heavy and it shows. *sigh*

All I can do is be the best me in each moment, whatever level that best is. And sometimes my best is simply getting through the day. Getting through my to do list and then getting home and doing the responsibilities and then sitting on the couch without crying. That’s my best right now.

So, here I am reminding myself and YOU! that you are special just as you are and people love YOU! Keep being you.

The One Where I Say Good-bye to Health Woes

The last time I wrote, I’d just found out that my breast lump was just a cyst. AMEN TO THAT.

Since then, I went and hiked the tallest mountain I’d hiked yet. It wasn’t a hard trail, but the altitude and the things it does to my body made it hard. I get altitude sickness. Because of course I fucking do. I get every other weird assed ailment possible so why not this one, too? I don’t know what to do about it. I do know that I need to find a way to force myself to drink more water as I hike up the mountain, despite my feeling that I’m doing a good job of drinking water I am not. I need to snack more as I go up. Stopping at the saddle, just 500 feet short of the summit, did me in. If I’d just kept hiking I would have made it to the top. But stopping and letting it all catch up with me caused extreme dizziness and nausea to hit. I didn’t want to lose my balance on the last bit of up that was steeper and I didn’t want to push the nausea as I’m not supposed to throw up after my surgery. So….great.

The hike was lovely and now that I’m over a week removed from it I’m super glad I did it but at the time I was just mad. I felt like shit and my body hurt and I felt like I had no business doing it and even said “Why did I think I could do this?!” and everyone looked at me and said “Well…you did do it sooooo….what’s the issue?” I hate it when everyone just doesn’t let me be illogical and unreasonable. It’s so rude.

I was afraid to eat once we got to the post hike grub but a cheeseburger was exactly what my body needed and I inhaled that thing and then felt so much better. Behold the power of the cheeseburger!

And I’ve not done much in the way of activity since. I did some hallway walks. I did the gym once. But I’m committing to doing both of those much more often. The heat is getting higher here so I doubt I’ll be doing neighborhood walks for a bit but I can swim laps in the pool and do things like that in between hikes and gym.

On Friday I had the cyst aspirated. They did it with an ultrasound so they could ensure they got all the fluid out and let me tell you that was pretty dang cool to watch. I saw the needle go in to numb my breast and the cyst, which was the most painful part. And it made me queasy. Likely since I was watching it and feeling it. But then watching the needle go in and start to drain the cyst, seeing the cyst start to shrink smaller and smaller until it just no longer existed was awesome.  The bonus is that the fluid that was in the cyst didn’t have any blood in it, they even showed me that and it was awesome and gross. Like, that just came out of my breast!! But the lack of any blood meant that it was simply a cyst and no more testing or concern was involved. They just tossed it into the trash and that was that.

Later that night, though, my boob hurt like hell. It was tender and uncomfortable. I wasn’t anticipating that. But it recovered. It still has a bruise but it’s not sore anymore.

And with that, my current state of health is HEALTHY AND GOOD AMEN.

Tonight I am doing meal prep for the week and getting back on that train. I will lost 15 pounds and that is final. I’m making some nicely seasoned chicken breasts, some sauteed red peppers and zucchini, oven roasting some brussels sprouts with red onion and bacon, cleaning and cutting up some fruit for snacks, and making my bacon fat deviled eggs to breakfast. Solid plan. Solid menu. I’m a fan.

I also have become obsessed with Hippeas snacks. I like to feel like I’m snacking so it makes my heart happy to still have that while knowing that my snack is healthy. It’s a win win!! Woo!

My boyfriend has started eating less and running more, as if he needs to. But he’s doing it for me. So I’m not in this alone. And I love him for that and that’s gonna motivate me to really be actually motivated this time. Because dammit, I need to be motivated this time!

I’m Kool & The Gang

Because I’m celebrating that my breast lump was only a cyst. ONLY A CYST!!! It’s a rather large cyst. Like, sneaking a peek at the mammogram while the tech was out of the room without knowing what it was yet was jarring. Then seeing that big black area on the ultrasound was jarring. I made jokes and laughed but inside I was terrified. But the doctor came in and showed me all of it and talked me through it and explained that it’s just a cyst. I have a smaller one, too. So two cysts in one boobs, none in the other. I need to get it aspirated, however, since you cannot see through it to make sure nothing else is hiding back there. But overall I am full of relief and I can feel myself relaxing.

During the mammogram, they move you around into position and all that jazz. So, I’m all tense and she has to keep reminding me to drop/relax my shoulder. She’s trying to move me and get me to relax and several times she’d say “Wow, you are really strong. ” So I must have been an immovable force. Then, at one point, she’s trying to move me and she said “You really are strong. Are you a trainer or something?” and I got all proud on the inside and just said “Well, I hike a lot…” I don’t know if my stress was making me “strong” or whatever but I just do not feel like I’m that swole or whatever. But it sure did make me feel proud.

I’m using this new month to refocus and remotivate and I’m going to the gym tomorrow and then every Tuesday and Thursday like I used to with my trainer and I had to tell a coworker friend that I can no longer provide her a ride on those days and that will help me stick to my goal because if not, I’m just the jerk that isn’t helping her out when I totally could.

I bought a planner and I started using it this morning to fill in my goals, my tasks, my progress and all of that to keep me on track. I’m gonna do this! I have before and I will again. Boom!

I”m gonna do meal planning and meal prep and all of the things. Watch out!

But in the meantime, I have celebratory Oreos. Oops.

 

Nature of Humans

Wanna know something new that I forgot about that is just yet another thing my doctors should have explained to me in regards to my surgery? Sure ya do:

So, all of our stomachs have this mechanism that tells us when we are full. It’s towards the top, naturally, and it activates when we eat to say “Hey, I’m full. You should stop eating.” Well, when you have a fundoplication done, that mechanism gets moved and wrapped around your esophagus and, therefore, no longer works. Which is another reason I was so miserable for those two weeks. I’d been on a spree of food with no regard to how much I’d ingested.

To combat this I have to be mindful of what I am eating. I have to self regulate. I have to pay better attention. And, therefore, I simply just leave food on my plate now because I have no way of knowing if I’m full and I no longer want to feel as bad as I did that last time. So, I’ve been eating smaller meals more often. Which, is the ideal way to eat. But it’s tiring. And it’s just so weird that I have to pay so much attention now. Bleah.

Maybe it’ll help me with my weight loss, though? I dunno.

Today I read some commentary that part of the Prince death investigation wrapping up meant that all of the photos and videos that were taken in Paisley Park during the investigation have now been made public. That includes his death scene. Meaning his dead body laying on the ground. And people are publishing this and, I assume, people are looking at this. And this is where my not being able to understand human natures kicks in because who the hell wants to see that?! Why would you want to see that? I saw the photos of the famous vault the other day and even then I thought “This feels weird. Should we be seeing this?” and now that I know it was part of that photo evidence it feels even weirder. I will not be looking at any of those photos and I don’t understand those of us that will seek them out.

Human behavior is just so tricky and I wish it was easier. Like, I know it’s not best to hold on to things that bug you until you explode…but I also don’t want to hear about every little thing I do that bugs you. I’ve been in that situation. It makes me feel like I don’t do anything right. And I don’t want to be the person that is highlighting the flaws in another person all the damn time, either. But I also know I hold on to shit until I explode. So, what’s the balance? How do you determine what is worth pointing out and when? Bleah.

And on an end note it’s hard to find out that you’re not as important to people as you once thought you were. It stings.

High Anxiety

Friday night I was watching a live feed from a Prince Celebration concert that Paisley Park was putting on for the second anniversary of his death and it hit me in my feelings because I just love him so and he’s gone and the police report was aired on Thursday and it’s all very sad. Like, it sounds like his death could have been prevented but there’s not enough evidence to show who could have prevented it and all of that sadness. So, I’m watching the video and enjoying it when it hit me that he’s gone and then that reminded me that I have a lump in my breast and what if it’s a huge lump of cancer and that it’s metastasized into other areas already and there’s nothing that can be done and then I’m gonna die but then, you know, I could be with Prince except I don’t believe in all of that but what if I’m wrong and I don’t want to die and that is so very scary and I spiraled right the fuck out, guys. Just….a death spiral, literally.

Then I went on a hike on Saturday morning and it was great. For a while. I decided I should have a lady person in the know locally and I chose one of my hiking friends for she is logical and reasonable and involved in the health care industry so I felt like she could talk me off my ledges. And she did. We let the others get ahead of us and I stopped and asked her permission to burden her with news and I told her and we talked and I shared that even on a vain level this is all very bothersome to me. I’m not the most confident person in my appearance. But I have lovely breasts. This I know without question. Will that be taken away? It shouldn’t matter…but it’s part of it and that’s ok. But she was great and it turned out she’s been though something similar twice and she helped me feel so much better.

But not 100%.

I didn’t know this, however, until I reached a portion of trail that I’m not a fan of. I don’t like areas that have a slope toward the edge where I can also see exactly how high we are. They freak me the hell out. And? I did just that. I freaked the fuck out. I could not go any further. They tried to get me past it but I’m way too anxious at this time and I couldn’t truly explain all of that to the others and that’s ok. So, me and the girl in the know turned around and did a walk around on the road to the other part of the trail and walked down. And? We wound up getting more distance in that way! Go us!

Apparently I’m just one big old bundle of stress and I need to find a way to work it out. Because I still have a week and a day to go before having this thing mammogrammed and ultrasounded. Ugh.

However, on the reasonable side of life I don’t really think this is gonna be cancer. I think it’s gonna be a fibroadenoma. Which is gonna be fine.

It’s all gonna be fine.

Imaginary Converstations

I’m riled up today. I’ll get to that in a moment. For now, let’s do a quick catch-up:

• I did an upper GI test last week that revealed that my surgery has not failed, which is awesome news! It’s just a wee bit on the tight side, which is good so it lasts for a good long while, and my esophagus is tiny so I just need to take smaller bites, chew more, etc. while also making sure my bathroom habits are regular and staying ahead of that instead of allowing gas and constipation to build up. Woo!
• I’m down 3.2 pounds since February. Not the almost 10 I should be down by now but I’ll take it and run with it. But because we both have a lot going on we’ve decided to not do the challenge any longer. I think that’s for the best, really. But I’m going to continue on my own. Which is also for the best.
• I had my annual exam on Tuesday. Apparently, with all the other health concerns of mine, I’ve been slacking on the monthly breast exams. Now I know to never ever ever do that again. Because I have a rather sizable lump in my breast and have to wait close to two weeks for the mammogram to see if it’s a clear lump or a solid lump and then have needles inserted into my breast to drain it if it’s just a cyst or take a biopsy if it’s not. I’m a bit freaked out to say the least and my anxiety brain keeps bringing up all the ways I’ll need to tell people when (IF!!!) I find out it’s cancer and that’s not helping. I don’t think. Or maybe it’s my brain’s way of preparing me for the worst? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst! So, I dunno. I also am just slightly superstitious without wanting to admit that I am and I don’t want to worry the bad news into existence so I’m trying to be chill and not think about it but then I find myself fondling the lump and being mad that I didn’t notice it. And then worried that some of my GI issues are actually related to this lump. I had adhesions on the gallbladder. And my stomach. What if….
  So, yes. I’m worried. I think it’s reasonable to be.

Now…on to my riledupedness!

I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF EXTREMES! Guys. It’s ok for me to say “man the education system here in America really needs some work.” Nowhere in there did I say “Man, America fucking sucks!” It’s possible to enjoy a thing while, also, seeing where it can improve. But nooooo, the “Get out of American if you hate it so much!” crowd cannot be reasoned with. Shut up.

I’m also tired of the extreme liberals who think everyone that isn’t a liberal is some racist, dumb-shit mouth breathing moron. No they are not. Stop being a snob, you assholes.

I’m tired of people acting like if someone you admire did anything at all bad even once in their life they are now “problematic” and should not be supported ever. With that mentality Martin Luther King, Jr. wouldn’t have gotten very far. None of us would. Stop being so all or nothing, damn. Humans have issues.

If you can see the headline “Trump advised that Cohen is likely to flip” and you can still tell yourself “Trump ain’t done anything wrong!” then I do not understand you. A person cannot “flip” if they have nothing of value to share! That’s not how it works, folks.

Starbucks is having a racial bias awareness training. This is dumb. I’m sorry, but it’s dumb. The country, mostly the white citizens of this country, simply need a “Do not call the cops unless you see a literal, verifiable crime taking place. Is there no crime happening? Then do not call.” It’s really that simple.

Hell, for that matter can we all have a “Be a Reasonable Person Training.” I think that’s what I want. I want for everyone to reset back to neutral. And then if I’m talking to a friend of mine and I say something that is racist but I’m not aware it’s racist and they say “You know, Andrea, that’s racist.” and I then respond “Oh, my goodness I had no idea, I’m so sorry.” and then we both move on with our lives…. That. That is what I want every single person alive to be able to do. No drama. No butthurt. No defensiveness. Just….reasonableness. Why is that so impossible?

If you know better, you do better. Right?

I’m tired of journalism being a joke. There are so many other things this administration is up to than porn stars, Russia, and dumb shit tweets. Scott Pruitt, the head of the EPA (protecting the environment is right there in his fucking job title!) is too busy spending money to protect his phone calls, his car, and his plane rides and then scaling back actual protections of the environment yet it gets very little notice. Ryan Zinke is running around shrinking public lands so we can drill and frak and log on them. They’re making it so it doesn’t matter if a rare type of bat lives in the area, log them trees, bats be damned!! I hate it and I hate that journalists are keeping the other dramas alive instead of highlighting the bullshit that is happening in EVERY department of this administration. Do your jobs, journalists.

Basically, things have gotten to the point of being so extreme on both ends that I have very little faith that we can ever be a truly united citizenry ever again. I’ve lost that hope. And that makes me sad. Because it’s very much a sign that most, not all, people are truly that simple minded and selfish. On both sides. And that is heartbreaking.