Nature of Humans

Wanna know something new that I forgot about that is just yet another thing my doctors should have explained to me in regards to my surgery? Sure ya do:

So, all of our stomachs have this mechanism that tells us when we are full. It’s towards the top, naturally, and it activates when we eat to say “Hey, I’m full. You should stop eating.” Well, when you have a fundoplication done, that mechanism gets moved and wrapped around your esophagus and, therefore, no longer works. Which is another reason I was so miserable for those two weeks. I’d been on a spree of food with no regard to how much I’d ingested.

To combat this I have to be mindful of what I am eating. I have to self regulate. I have to pay better attention. And, therefore, I simply just leave food on my plate now because I have no way of knowing if I’m full and I no longer want to feel as bad as I did that last time. So, I’ve been eating smaller meals more often. Which, is the ideal way to eat. But it’s tiring. And it’s just so weird that I have to pay so much attention now. Bleah.

Maybe it’ll help me with my weight loss, though? I dunno.

Today I read some commentary that part of the Prince death investigation wrapping up meant that all of the photos and videos that were taken in Paisley Park during the investigation have now been made public. That includes his death scene. Meaning his dead body laying on the ground. And people are publishing this and, I assume, people are looking at this. And this is where my not being able to understand human natures kicks in because who the hell wants to see that?! Why would you want to see that? I saw the photos of the famous vault the other day and even then I thought “This feels weird. Should we be seeing this?” and now that I know it was part of that photo evidence it feels even weirder. I will not be looking at any of those photos and I don’t understand those of us that will seek them out.

Human behavior is just so tricky and I wish it was easier. Like, I know it’s not best to hold on to things that bug you until you explode…but I also don’t want to hear about every little thing I do that bugs you. I’ve been in that situation. It makes me feel like I don’t do anything right. And I don’t want to be the person that is highlighting the flaws in another person all the damn time, either. But I also know I hold on to shit until I explode. So, what’s the balance? How do you determine what is worth pointing out and when? Bleah.

And on an end note it’s hard to find out that you’re not as important to people as you once thought you were. It stings.

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High Anxiety

Friday night I was watching a live feed from a Prince Celebration concert that Paisley Park was putting on for the second anniversary of his death and it hit me in my feelings because I just love him so and he’s gone and the police report was aired on Thursday and it’s all very sad. Like, it sounds like his death could have been prevented but there’s not enough evidence to show who could have prevented it and all of that sadness. So, I’m watching the video and enjoying it when it hit me that he’s gone and then that reminded me that I have a lump in my breast and what if it’s a huge lump of cancer and that it’s metastasized into other areas already and there’s nothing that can be done and then I’m gonna die but then, you know, I could be with Prince except I don’t believe in all of that but what if I’m wrong and I don’t want to die and that is so very scary and I spiraled right the fuck out, guys. Just….a death spiral, literally.

Then I went on a hike on Saturday morning and it was great. For a while. I decided I should have a lady person in the know locally and I chose one of my hiking friends for she is logical and reasonable and involved in the health care industry so I felt like she could talk me off my ledges. And she did. We let the others get ahead of us and I stopped and asked her permission to burden her with news and I told her and we talked and I shared that even on a vain level this is all very bothersome to me. I’m not the most confident person in my appearance. But I have lovely breasts. This I know without question. Will that be taken away? It shouldn’t matter…but it’s part of it and that’s ok. But she was great and it turned out she’s been though something similar twice and she helped me feel so much better.

But not 100%.

I didn’t know this, however, until I reached a portion of trail that I’m not a fan of. I don’t like areas that have a slope toward the edge where I can also see exactly how high we are. They freak me the hell out. And? I did just that. I freaked the fuck out. I could not go any further. They tried to get me past it but I’m way too anxious at this time and I couldn’t truly explain all of that to the others and that’s ok. So, me and the girl in the know turned around and did a walk around on the road to the other part of the trail and walked down. And? We wound up getting more distance in that way! Go us!

Apparently I’m just one big old bundle of stress and I need to find a way to work it out. Because I still have a week and a day to go before having this thing mammogrammed and ultrasounded. Ugh.

However, on the reasonable side of life I don’t really think this is gonna be cancer. I think it’s gonna be a fibroadenoma. Which is gonna be fine.

It’s all gonna be fine.

Imaginary Converstations

I’m riled up today. I’ll get to that in a moment. For now, let’s do a quick catch-up:

  • I did an upper GI test last week that revealed that my surgery has not failed, which is awesome news! It’s just a wee bit on the tight side, which is good so it lasts for a good long while, and my esophagus is tiny so I just need to take smaller bites, chew more, etc. while also making sure my bathroom habits are regular and staying ahead of that instead of allowing gas and constipation to build up. Woo!
  • I’m down 3.2 pounds since February. Not the almost 10 I should be down by now but I’ll take it and run with it. But because we both have a lot going on we’ve decided to not do the challenge any longer. I think that’s for the best, really. But I’m going to continue on my own. Which is also for the best.
  • I had my annual exam on Tuesday. Apparently, with all the other health concerns of mine, I’ve been slacking on the monthly breast exams. Now I know to never ever ever do that again. Because I have a rather sizable lump in my breast and have to wait close to two weeks for the mammogram to see if it’s a clear lump or a solid lump and then have needles inserted into my breast to drain it if it’s just a cyst or take a biopsy if it’s not. I’m a bit freaked out to say the least and my anxiety brain keeps bringing up all the ways I’ll need to tell people when (IF!!!) I find out it’s cancer and that’s not helping. I don’t think. Or maybe it’s my brain’s way of preparing me for the worst? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst! So, I dunno. I also am just slightly superstitious without wanting to admit that I am and I don’t want to worry the bad news into existence so I’m trying to be chill and not think about it but then I find myself fondling the lump and being mad that I didn’t notice it. And then worried that some of my GI issues are actually related to this lump. I had adhesions on the gallbladder. And my stomach. What if….
    So, yes. I’m worried. I think it’s reasonable to be.

Now…on to my riledupedness!

I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF EXTREMES! Guys. It’s ok for me to say “man the education system here in America really needs some work.” Nowhere in there did I say “Man, America fucking sucks!” It’s possible to enjoy a thing while, also, seeing where it can improve. But nooooo, the “Get out of American if you hate it so much!” crowd cannot be reasoned with. Shut up.

I’m also tired of the extreme liberals who think everyone that isn’t a liberal is some racist, dumb-shit mouth breathing moron. No they are not. Stop being a snob, you assholes.

I’m tired of people acting like if someone you admire did anything at all bad even once in their life they are now “problematic” and should not be supported ever. With that mentality Martin Luther King, Jr. wouldn’t have gotten very far. None of us would. Stop being so all or nothing, damn. Humans have issues.

If you can see the headline “Trump advised that Cohen is likely to flip” and you can still tell yourself “Trump ain’t done anything wrong!” then I do not understand you. A person cannot “flip” if they have nothing of value to share! That’s not how it works, folks.

Starbucks is having a racial bias awareness training. This is dumb. I’m sorry, but it’s dumb. The country, mostly the white citizens of this country, simply need a “Do not call the cops unless you see a literal, verifiable crime taking place. Is there no crime happening? Then do not call.” It’s really that simple.

Hell, for that matter can we all have a “Be a Reasonable Person Training.” I think that’s what I want. I want for everyone to reset back to neutral. And then if I’m talking to a friend of mine and I say something that is racist but I’m not aware it’s racist and they say “You know, Andrea, that’s racist.” and I then respond “Oh, my goodness I had no idea, I’m so sorry.” and then we both move on with our lives…. That. That is what I want every single person alive to be able to do. No drama. No butthurt. No defensiveness. Just….reasonableness. Why is that so impossible?

If you know better, you do better. Right?

I’m tired of journalism being a joke. There are so many other things this administration is up to than porn stars, Russia, and dumb shit tweets. Scott Pruitt, the head of the EPA (protecting the environment is right there in his fucking job title!) is too busy spending money to protect his phone calls, his car, and his plane rides and then scaling back actual protections of the environment yet it gets very little notice. Ryan Zinke is running around shrinking public lands so we can drill and frak and log on them. They’re making it so it doesn’t matter if a rare type of bat lives in the area, log them trees, bats be damned!! I hate it and I hate that journalists are keeping the other dramas alive instead of highlighting the bullshit that is happening in EVERY department of this administration. Do your jobs, journalists.

Basically, things have gotten to the point of being so extreme on both ends that I have very little faith that we can ever be a truly united citizenry ever again. I’ve lost that hope. And that makes me sad. Because it’s very much a sign that most, not all, people are truly that simple minded and selfish. On both sides. And that is heartbreaking.

Ten

I don’t even remember the date but ten years ago this month my divorce was final. I’ve been divorced ten years! And in that time I’ve gone to Ireland; made friends on blogs and Flickr and traveled around to meet them in person; saw Prince in concert twice; moved to Arizona; become a hiker; lost two dogs and a cat and then gained two dogs; had a brief fling; had a very irresponsible relationship; had another brief fling; had to tell two different very nice guys no thank you; hiked the Grand Canyon; went to Russia; went to Canada; went to London; went to Spain; went to Mexico; had visitors; made visits; met a guy and started the first really good relationship since the divorce; was laid off; got a new job; got a new car; went on two family vacations; and just had all of the other day to day life you have in a ten year span. WOW! It’s just sort of nuts. It’s like I’ve lived a whole other lifetime since that time.

So, last week was horrible and terrible. Why? Because for reasons I have determined to be my own stupidity and my period converging inside of my person, I had a nice build up of debilitating gas. It was so bad I stayed home from work on Thursday. I’ve done all of the things and started treating my stomach much kinder and moved around and taken the OTC meds and it’s all calmed down now. I’ve read the forums full of people that have had my surgery and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just a thing that is going to happen for a while and until I am, truly, back to 100% (if if that is never) I need to not treat my stomach like a frat house. Moderation will now be key. Sure, I can have pizza. But not the same weekend that I also eat tacos and chorizo and cake and ice cream and beans and all sorts of other stuff. Space that shit out, damn!

And, yes, I understand that generally speaking it’s not that cool to go Googling and winding up on the WebMD diagnosing yourself with some sort of cancer. But that’s not me. I am reasonable, I know what I’ve gone through, I know what I’m going through, and I’ve not really steered myself too wrong yet. I have an appointment with the GI’s office tomorrow, however, just to make sure. Because I’m not a doctor. I’m just a reasonable person that knows how to properly Google.

I’m also a bit with the ruffled feathers when people give me side eye because “well, I know x person that had that surgery and they were fine” or “you need to go to the er immediately because you’re dying” or “did you take any pills for the pain? why suffer?” How about mind your business? Let’s do that.

I dunno. I’m as guilty of this as the next guy but we’re all very much too much with the “Well this is how I would handle it and that makes sense and works well so everyone should follow suit.” Yeah, no. Not all approaches work for all the people so how about no.

How about understand that not all surgeries are the same, not all repairs are the same, not all of our reasons for the surgery to begin with were the same, and how about doctors give us all a heads up that just because this is a laparoscopic surgery doesn’t mean it’s not a serious one. Because it is. And a heads up on all the recovery issues would be nice, too. For fuck’s sake.

So, last week there was no official weigh in but when I did weigh in I was down a total of 5.5 lbs but that won’t last. That was after taking prescription Miralax for two days and not eating a whole lot.

Yesterday I hiked. That made me feel a whole lot better. So, I’m gonna do this thing where no matter what and no matter how I feel I move my body each day. Every day. In some way. Because I want to be healthy. And my blood work revealed that I mostly am. But damn if my triglyceride levels weren’t high. So, no more bacon fat deviled eggs. Oops. I may have just revealed the source of that issue.

To end I want to recommend everyone listen to Dax Sheppard’s podcast “Armchair Expert.” It’s SO GOOD, OMG!! I’m finding my favorite podcasts are the ones where the interviewer is doing more of a good conversation. Marc Maron, Chris Hardwick, and now Dax are my three favorite podcasts.