Resignation

I’m now back up the 2 pounds I spent last week losing and for right now, while I’m a mess of anxiety and whatever, I quit.

I just don’t have it in me right now to focus on this and so I quit.

Advertisements

Acknowledgement

I’m anxious and slight depressed at the moment. Don’t even ask me why or point out how great my life is because anxiety and depression do not give two rat fucks about how great your life is. But I’m to the point where I can acknowledge this is going on and that means I’m starting the upswing and can finally get my shit together.

I hope.

I have to fly this week. After the last experience flying I’m really not looking forward to it but I’ll have to fly again some time, anyway, because I like to go places and so why not just get it over with. Besides, I bought the tickets before the last experience and I cannot get a refund and I’m a big girl and I can do this. I’m just not at all looking forward to it.

Like most people, I had a three day weekend. I spent Saturday with my morning walk then doing errands and lunching and car shopping with my boyfriend. I spent Sunday going on a day trip to a lovely hike with lovely friends. Then I spent Monday doing a whole lot of nothing that I had planned to.

Sunday’s hike has a few areas I’m not a fan of when my anxiety isn’t in place. But when it is? Good lord, I’ll act like a loon. But, luckily, my friends know me and they deal with me and get me through them and refuse to let me get angry at myself about it. My brain works the way it works and sometimes I can fight it and other times I cannot.

I had all of these grand plans for Monday. I was going to dust and vacuum my house. I was going to clean off the patio, patio furniture, and pool toys. I was going to test the sprinkler system to make sure they are all functioning as I suspect they are not. I was going to organize at least one room in my house. I was going to take my morning walk.

Instead I sat on the couch for a lot of the day and spent time in front of the computer a lot of the day reuploading photos to my Flickr account to use as a backup. And when I found myself obsessively organizing them once they were there is when I realized “Oh, Andrea….you’re in your slightly bad place.”

I have a lot of friends in my life that also deal with anxiety and depression. I have a lot of people in my life that do not. And what I am finding is that in a lot of ways, neither group has a good understanding of me. Which is fine, but sometimes it’s not helpful when they’re trying to be helpful. Anxiety, much like body shapes and sizes, is not the same from person to person. Yes, generally speaking it is. Much like we all have a heart, a brain, two lungs, etc. there are aspects of anxiety that are present in each of us. But, like, when I’m really in it…even though I have the OCD tendencies, I can’t do anything other than organize photos and then be as chill as possible. To be chill as if being chill is my profession. Because my body and my brain are humming so I have to be chill. And I cannot be chill if I’m dusting or vacuuming or any of the other things. Others put the nervous energy into doing that. Others can direct their energy into other things. I’m not that person. I have steps to go through. I have stages. So, it’s great for those of us that can divert. I’m not you. I wish I was. I logically and intellectually absolutely understand that if I could divert, I’d get out of my mess sooner and easier. If I could just make myself do that morning walk, I’d feel better. If I could divert all of that into cleaning and organizing, I’d feel better. Emotionally, however, I don’t have it. And that’s fine.

Sometimes, I just want to be understood. I just want to feel more acceptance and understanding. It likely won’t happen since when I want that the most is when I go the most hermitty because I just can’t. I cannot with all of the talking and all of the doing and all of the stuff. I just want “you” to understand through osmosis, but sheer force of loving me and caring about me. To pick it up through the airwaves and then to realize “yes! I understand her and what she needs and I will do this.” It’s an impossible request. People that have known me for my entire life still don’t get it. Maybe I’m to blame. I’m terribly good at just taking care of myself, after all.

At any rate, I’m up a pound and down in steps and I know why and maybe after I fly away and then fly back home and that’s behind me I can truly begin the climb out of this recent bout of crap. That’s my plan. I have a plan.

It’s good to have a plan.

 

 

Status Quo

I am finally back to my lowest weight for the year and can now focus on moving forward!

I went to the gym Tuesday and Thursday and walked on the treadmill for my two miles since it’s reached the 100 degree mark here and I don’t want to die. I walk a variety of speeds and inclines to mix it up and yesterday I listened to two episodes of The Mortified Podcast and they were hilarious and made the time go by quickly.

My trainer, former, was there on Tuesday and came over to say hi and I explained that I had no idea what to do in regards to strength training and he said he’d put together some outlines for me. YAY! Tyler is so nice. He was happy to see me back and said “yes, absolutely come in here just for the treadmill and get back on that schedule.” So I did. Go me!

I did my office hallway walk every day this week, with the exception of Wednesday due to work event taking up that time. I feel great. And I feel remotivated. And I’m gonna carry that motivation into next week.

And that’s the boring update on my weight and exercise!

Star Wars

So, I hear today is the 40th anniversary of Star Wars. As I am a nerd I am one with The Force as are a whole slew of my friends. So I’m seeing a lot of remembrances about the first time they saw it and things of that sort.

I was a few months from 5 40 years ago so I doubt I saw it at the movie theatre. I honestly do not remember the first time I saw it. I don’t have recollection of my first time seeing The Empire Strikes Back, either. But The Return of the Jedi, yes. That was in the theatre for sure. Because I remember the Ewoks and I remember my sister loving them. Basically Star Wars is just one of those things that I feel has always just been there in my life and my brain.

But, also, I think, for me, my memories begin and end when they can be paired up with my sister. Which is odd. But it’s the shared memories and experiences that we can sit and talk about that help with remembering them, I believe.

I remember seeing ET, The Goonies, Fox and the Hound, the Indiana Jones movies, etc. But I don’t remember my first time seeing the first two Star Wars movies. And that is a-ok.

And, no, the last two posts haven’t had a single thing to do with how much weight I’ve lost or gained or how many steps I’ve taken or not taken or what I ate or how I meal prepped or how it felt to go back to the gym. Because I’m more interesting than that.

But, since I went there, I am down a pound and a half and aaaaaaaaaaaaaalmost back down to my lowest of the year and that’s feeling pretty great. I’ll talk more about that in officialness tomorrow.

Happy Star Wars whatever. May The Force be with you.

Ruminations

I hear a lot of people talk about getting older or how short life is or things of that sort. They phrase it as jokes, the getting old thing. It’s weird. Why do that?

But recently I have found my mind wandering around the stories of my life. Maybe it’s because this will be my 45th birthday? I have no idea. But what I’ve concluded is that sure, life is short…if you allow it to be.

I’m ONLY going to be 45 this year.

I was 17, almost 18, when I graduated high school.
Since then I was married when I was almost 23 and was married for 12 years.
I went to college. Twice. And earned two different associates degrees.
I worked at my first real job for 14 years. Based on that alone the person that was in charge of going through resumes at my current job wrote “old?” on it.
My marriage ended 10 years ago.
I lived in West Virginia 23 years.
I lived in Virginia 14 years.
I’ve lived in Arizona 8 years.
I’ve been in my new job for 8 years.
In the years since my marriage ended I’ve had 4 relationships of various degrees of seriousness.
In the past 9 years I’ve been to Ireland, Russia, England, Spain, Mexico, Canada, Colorado, California, Oklahoma, DC, Yellowstone, several roads trips around Arizona, and likely other places I’m not thinking of.
My sister became a mom, making me an Aunt, 13 years ago.
I’ve had my friends visit me at least 5 years for ComiCon.
I became a hiker 3 years ago.
I hiked the Grand Canyon 2 years ago.
I met my current guy 2 years ago.

And I’m ONLY 45. That is a whole lot of living in that time. And I have a whole lot more living to do from this point forward.

Life is short, sure. But you can also make it so full that it feels like so many different lifetimes. You can live and focus on being alive and happy and in the moment, even the small moments. My one life has had so many different lifetimes in it and I am amazed and grateful for all of it.

Life is for the living, you guys. Get out there and live it.

Things I Learn About Myself

Last week I had a strong hankerin’ for tacos so I went to the store and I purchased the ingredients for tacos for I am an adult that does what she wants.

Since I am one person that means I had tacos every night for dinner that week for I don’t mind leftovers and I don’t waste food.

I arrived home from work one evening super excited for my last night of taco dinner so I got right on the routine tasks of letting the dogs out (yep, that was me. I let the dogs out. /dad joke), feeding the dogs, changing out of my work clothes, and then finally fixin’ the tacos.

As I’m eating my tacos, I get severe chest pains. Like, so severe I couldn’t sit up straight. So severe my eyes watered. So severe I said out loud, to my dogs I guess, “What is happening right now?!?!”

But I kept right on eating my tacos because I’ll be damned if tacos go to waste.

I finally stood up to see if I could stand up straight, and I couldn’t. But I could drink water. I could, of course, eat tacos. I could breathe, but that felt labored. And I could talk. So, I told myself what all moms tell their kids. Even though I’m not a mom and I’m just talking to myself. “It’s just gas.”

So, I chugged some water. I burped. I could stand up straight. I went to the bathroom. It all went away.

So, yes, it was all just gas.

But now we all know that if I do ever find myself having an actual heart attack I may not realize it, care, or stop eating. Especially if it’s tacos.

Moral of the story? I ate tacos and didn’t die so I pretty much win.

Manic Monday

Let’s catch up, shall we? This might take some time. Get a snack.

I went to Spain for a week. The week before I was a bundle of nerves and didn’t walk a lot then I went to Spain and did ALL THE WALKING!

Screenshot_20170507-045403

Then I came home and had all of the jet lag and did none of the walking.

But somehow I managed to hold steady at my lowest weight of the year. GO ME!!

I have no idea how this is possible. Because the week I was in Spain I ate Spanish chorizo every day, Spanish ham, English ham, bread, olive oil, eggs and potatoes, drank Spanish Coke daily, Spanish hot chocolate, many paellas, seafood, and ice cream. The food, you guys. THE FOOD!!! It was amazing. And I’m now that insufferable person that’s angry I have to eat food here and went to Whole Foods yesterday and bought rice imported from Spain, olive oil imported from Spain, and a double pan made in Spain so I can make Spanish omelets and paella here at home. I’m the worst.

Spain was great. Just really, really great. I cannot fully put into words how much I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed traveling around the country to visit multiple cities and having a friend/family member with us that is from the area to give us a more local flair was beyond perfect. I feel that I really got toe experience Spain in a much deeper manner than if I’d simply gone there as a tourist. I’m forever thankful to her and her family’s kindness in hosting us.

I’m not posting photos or doing a recap, however. My Flickr stream is linked on the sidebar to the right and if you’d like to, please feel free to visit and go through the Spain album!

Last week, as I said, I was jet lagged like a mofo and it took me until right about Friday to feel normal again. So, I only managed to do my office hallway walk twice last week and I did my neighborhood walk Saturday morning but, for some reason, could not make myself do it yesterday. The temps this week in the evening should be manageable so I should get those walks in AND I should get back to my gymming schedule, too. I won’t hover at this weight for much longer if I don’t get back on the stick, y’all.

So, here is to being back to real life and normal and routine!