Do You Really Know What Love Is?

I feel as good today as I felt bad last week. I honestly am to the point that I believe my gallbladder isn’t reacting to what I eat and just acts up when it wants to and likes it better when I eat food that is not super good for me. I don’t drink soda any more but I think my gallbladder is sad about this and wants me to drink Coke because when I drink Coke I can burp with ease and relieve pressure and then things are good. That and my period is on the way out and they do, absolutely, correspond with one another but that doesn’t mean that I can keep the gallbladder. Oh, no. It still has to go. Which is, like, fine and all of that. But I’m worried and nervous about surgery because that’s who I am and, like, get over it, folks that don’t worry and get nervous about shit. For fuck’s sake. We’re all individuals.

But I sense that some people are growing frustrated with me and my gallbladder woes because they have either had them, but in the form of stones, or they just don’t understand what I’m dealing with and when I shoot down suggestions as to how to feel better either because I’ve tried it and it didn’t work or I have tried it and it worked some of the time and then not other times and that’s why I think it’s not actually reacting to food and more to it just being a bum gallbladder that’s not functioning properly.

So my diet is crap and my gallbladder will continue to react at random and that’s my life until this shit is resolved.

So, now let’s just move on and do my super late review of the Purple Rain Deluxe Extended CD set!! That’s way more fun.

I will not review Disc 1 because all that is is a remastered copy of the original “Purple Rain” soundtrack and since I don’t have the ears of an audiophile or fancy equipment, I ain’t hearing the difference. I’ve seen complaints. I have none.

I’m not doing an extensive review of Disc 3, either. So, I should have just said “This is my review of Disc 2.” But no!

So. Disc 2 is the disc that has all of the previously unreleased songs, even though some people have had them and heard them or some version of them. Because that’s the thing with Prince. He has various versions of songs floating around if you know where to look but I never knew where to look or that it was even happening and so most of this is completely new to me.

Song one is “Dance Electric” and I’d heard Andre Cymone’s version and new Prince wrote it but I’d never heard Prince’s version and now I will never listen to Andre Cymone’s and so sorry, Andre…Prince wins. Always. It’s long and gets tedious after a bit but I can imagine it would have absolutely been a party to hear this live. But when he dips down into his lower register during this song my panties fall off so….yeah.

Song two is “Love and Sex” and I don’t really love this so much. It’s ok, it’s still a Prince song, but I don’t love it and I usually skip it.

Song three is the extended version of “Computer Blue” and I have this one already but it’s in a five hour mix of Minneapolis music in one sound file and it was never easy to just get to it so it’s absolutely amazing to have this version to easily accessible and it is a fucking JAM, y’all. If you’ve only been luke warm to “Computer Blue” you should give this one a try. The water is warm enough, Lisa…hell yes. It’s about 9ish minutes long and it’s got a preview as to the types of thing he’d go on to do on the “Batman” soundtrack years later. I LOVE THIS SONG. “Poor, lonely computer.”

Song four is “Electric Intercourse” and it’s one of the songs that I see the most complaining about. Apparently there is a live version floating around that people LOVE so when they finally got this studio version they were disappointed and sad and all of the things. I’d never heard it before, honestly, so I’m not approaching it from that vantage point. But I am approaching it from a place of “this is not a great song.” Allegedly this song was originally going to be on the Soundtrack but was bumped by “The Beautiful Ones” and I cannot argue with that decision based on this version in this set. “The Beautiful Ones” is superior and dramatic and just better. Maybe I’d change my mind if I heard the live version but I haven’t and I’m not.

Song five is “Our Destiny/Roadhouse Garden” and this is my most favorite song here. It is one of those songs that makes me sad that he’s gone and gone forever. I cry almost every time I hear it. The first part is sung by Lisa and it’s just a sweet little song. But then “Roadhouse Garden” kicks in and it’s gospel Prince and his voice is just perfect and I die. It’s perfect and I hope they find more stuff like this to release in the future to get me in my feels in all the right ways.

Song six is “Possessed” and it was heard in instrumental version in the movie. I’d never heard it, despite it being widely available. Yes, I was a fan. No, I wasn’t in the know. It’s fine. It’s a good song and you can dance to it. There’s my American Bandstand review of that.

(I might be bored of doing this review…)

Song seven is “Wonderful Ass” and it’s fucking DELIGHTFUL! It’s the most delightful ode to a beautiful booty that I have ever heard.

Song eight is “Velvet Kitty Cat” and it’s cute and everything but…it seems so far out of place here even though it was recorded in the Purple Rain years so chronologically it fits. Tonally….not so much. But it’s cute.

Song nine is “Katrina’s Paper Dolls” and it’s the same story as VKC. Good song, seems out of place. And even though the history shows this was recorded during the PR years it seems like it fits more in line with what he wound up putting on “Sign o’ the Times.”

Now we’re to song ten, “We Can Fuck” and OH YES WE CAN!! We can also get down and dance because this song is great. It’s sexy and funky and just pure Prince and I love it.

The last song on Disc 2 is “Father’s Song” which is the extended version of the piano instrumental from Purple Rain and it’s pretty great to finally have this to listen to any time I want to. It starts out as a lovely piano instrumental and somehow morphs into something that sounds like a space odyssey and I love it. It’s a great way to end this disc.

The third disc is a collection of B sides and extended mixes that is good for people that want complete sets of things. I’d heard most of them throughout the years, since they weren’t necessarily rare. But it’s missing the extended version of “17 Days” which is what I really want and they better come out with that one sometime. Because that one just might be my most favorite Prince song if I have to ever be nailed down to name just one.

So, to wrap this up…I’m not complaining about this set at all. Prince is dead and things were not left in writing as to what he wanted done so it’s up to others to decide. And, frankly, I suspect he did that shit on purpose. I think the man was in such control of his LIFE that he was all “who cares what happens after I die” and that’s hard for some people to grasp and I could be wrong. I didn’t know him. And he did control his life in every way. So for a lot of folks it’s hard to comprehend that he’d not put that same control into his image and music for once he was gone. But he didn’t. So, I’m not complaining. I’m going to be appreciative of what is done and released and anything I get to hear from him that will be new to me since there will not be anything truly new from him ever again. He’s gone. But he left a lifetime plus of music in his vault and all I can ask is that they treat it and release it with care and not willy nilly for quick dollars.

Prince makes me happy. I’m happy to share that with others.

 

 

 

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IRL Stress Test

Monday I ate rosemary braised pork and was fine. Yesterday I ate a few bites of meatloaf and thought I was going to die and/or puke.

I called and put myself on a wait list to get in for the surgeon consultation sooner if they have any cancellations as I am now realizing that this randomly feeling like I may die if I try to eat something other than bland food is a nightmare. Yes, I’m stubborn and should just fucking stick to the bland food like I said I was going to do. So, fine….after today I’ll do that. Shit. Being reasonable, man. Fuck.

But last night I had the weirdest dreams about my surgery and then waking up in recovery at a Radiohead concert with a co-worker and a person that was not his wife and it was all very weird and I’m obviously stressed out about surgery. And the bills. And the recovery. And the random bouts of gallbladder attackeryness. Stress dreams.

I’ve turned into a boring person that can only talk about her gallbladder. For shame.

Answers

So, in the last post I said I felt mostly fine and insisted that even though it sounded like I likely didn’t feel mostly fine I really did. Well, that was mostly true but also mostly not true. I haven’t felt 100% since the ER visit in June but why sit around and whine about it?

So, I had my stress test and the unofficial results are that my heart is good. It works the way it should. And I’m nice so all around good heart.

This Wednesday I had that HIDA scan. It wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be. And the lady that put in the IV portal for the injections was so good that I didn’t even feel her do it and I’d like to take her to all of my appointments that require an IV and have her do it! She gets a gold star in starting an IV.

So, the first hour of the HIDA scan is just taking random photos every 5 to 10 minutes after they inject you with the nuclear tracer to see how things pass through your gallbladder, pancreas, and liver. I don’t know if that’s the proper order but that’s the organs they watch. You have to lay still on your back but you can use your phone so I IMed with my boyfriend a few times, took photos for Instagram (seriously…I’m the worst), and listened to podcasts. It wasn’t as uncomfortable laying like that as I thought it would be. In fact, it was just fine.

Then I had to lay on my side for 3 minutes to get that view, no issues.

Then back on my back for the last 30 minutes of the test where they then inject you three times full of some hormone that makes your gallbladder empty. As soon as that hit my system all of my horrible symptoms hit me all at once in fast forward. I felt nauseated. I was dizzy. Then my chest hurt. Then down into my middle abdomen. Then lower abdomen. Then I was fine. I went through that three times. As I’m experiencing this she’s taking notes and says “this is good information!”

Then the test it over. I feel fine. She says to drink lots of fluids to flush out the radioactive material and that I can eat without restrictions.

LIES!

What she wasn’t realizing was that she just really irritated and pissed off my gallbladder and even plain old water was going to make me feel like I was going to die. I also did not realize this so I went straight to work instead of my home, just 6 minutes away, and started drinking water. Which immediately made me feel like I was going to die and then I decided to try to drive myself home but my very kind coworkers were all “You stubborn asshole. Ask for help and stop being so dumb.” and drove me home.

I called my GI doc and was all “Get the results of this test ASAP so we can fix this as I’m going to die!!!!”

I puked. I felt terrible. I took a nap. I woke up and ate a little bit. That was fine. I started drinking water. That was fine. I felt sore, like I’d been throwing up all day, but mostly fine. Well, my new fine. My boyfriend drove me to get my car.

Also in that time frame my GI doc called to say “The test showed your gallbladder is fine, however it’s a liar so call this surgeon to have that lying bastard yanked out.” So I did! I’m meeting with a surgeon in August and we’ll schedule the removal of this dumb gallbladder of mine.

It seems that in about 21% of women that have HIDA scan results that show a fine gallbladder despite having the symptoms during the test and that is called biliary dyskinesia and I shouldn’t worry about us taking out a seemingly healthy organ because it is not healthy. It’s a dirty liar, though.

So…yay! I now know what the fuck and I am oh so pleased. In the meantime I shall continue to eat bland food diet, which isn’t so bad since it’s all comfort food. I’m trying to be reasonable and so far my weight is holding steady and I should be able to increase my activity next week without all of the doctor’s appointments holding me back. I have about two and a half weeks to be active during the day! Yay! But that also means I have about three plus weeks left of not feeling super great. Then a surgery to recover from. But it’s fine.

I’m fine!

Catch All

I debated just doing a review of the “Purple Rain Deluxe: Extended” cd/dvd set that was released today but, instead, I’m gonna jot down all of my notes and info about my bullshit GI issues so I have them in one spot to refer back to. And, in case any doctors or medical folks see this they can say “Oh, that’s XYZ condition and you should ask for abc to be done!” Because I’m not enjoying being a medical mystery at the moment.

Sometime during the week of May 11th I had my issue with the tacos. I was eating tacos and I suddenly felt like I was having a heart attack. I don’t recall it lingering and I’m pretty sure I continued to eat as normal in the days after. Since I don’t remember what day this was I don’t know if I was on my period when it occurred or if it was right before. But period was involved.

June 3rd I ate pizza and felt like I was having a heart attack and a gas attack and I couldn’t get comfortable or puke or poo or fart or burp or anything and I finally fell asleep and then woke up and felt fine. My period started the next day.

June 17th I ate potstickers and all of the above happened but it seemed worse and it was so soon after the last time that I contacted my Aunt and she told me to go to the ER so I did. That was the last day of ovulation.

After that incident I felt like shit for about a week but was able to eat and I pushed the limits like a maniac.

June 24th I felt the worst I have felt and I finally threw up and then felt immediately better. But then I continued to be a maniac and feeling like shit continued.

I went to a cardiologist and he is absolutely convinced this is not cardiac but I’m going for a stress test this Friday. It’s just money afterall.

I’ve been eating a mostly bland food diet because I felt terrible and I cried a lot and felt frustrated and people treated me like I was being a maniac. Because I was. So, bland food. But then my period ended and I felt oddly good. So I tested the waters and ate Mexican one day for lunch but kept it bland the rest of the day. I ate BBQ the next day for lunch, bland the rest of the day. Rinse, repeat.

I mostly feel fine. Eating pizza last night made me feel like I could start to feel bad so I stopped eating it and then that subsided. I am, however, more gassy than usual. I burp a lot. Fart when home alone. My stomach gurgles and makes sounds. And I feel hungry sooner than usual but that could just be because my bland food meals are also sort of small. I may not be eating enough. I also feel dizzy/vertigoish at times. Which seems to all contradict that “I mostly feel fine.” statement except compared to just a week or so ago, I do.

So, now I’m wondering if my GI tract and my hormones are in cahoots to just make me feel horrible all of the times. I guess we’ll fine out. I have to have a super fun sounding HIDA scan next week. Once I have those results I’ll talk to my doc and we’ll go from there. If we rule out all of the GI issues it could be and take all of my money to do so I’ll then go see my gyno to see if she can take more of my money and time and find out what the fuck.

That’s all I want to know these days. What the fuck.

Gassy

I’m now 0.2lbs lighter than my 2017 lightest so….yay! I guess. We’ll see.

This week I did my lunch time walks, I cut out most carbs, and a lot of the sugar I’d been consuming. I think these changes helped get me on the right track. That and actually having good meals that involved things like vegetable and proteins and fiber.

Since being at the ER this past Saturday I’ve noticed that I’m more burpy than usual and feel a bit more gassy in general so there’s definitely something going on in my body and I cannot wait to find out what it is. I don’t necessarily feel bad…like I can’t say “You guys…I feel so bad!” But I do feel overall ugh and blah and not 100%. Which is fine. I have discomfort in my center upper abdomen just under my heart, a deep sharpish pain on the lower left side of my abdomen when I breathe in deeply, and just a general feeling of gas all over. It is almost like how you feel after a day of vomiting. Like how sore your abdomen is with deep ouch like areas that aren’t necessary painful, just ouchy. And I sort of have a rumbling belly a few hours after eating that makes it sound like I’ve not eaten at all that day. And then I get sort of dizzy a bit, too. So, yeah.

Anyway. That’s what doctors visits are for, right? At least I currently have good health coverage. Thanks, Obama! /politics

It’s hotter than hell outside so I can’t get a lot of extra exercise and due to the way I’ve been feeling I’ve sort of decided that maybe I shouldn’t exert myself too much so the gym hasn’t happened. But once I get the doctor’s visits out of the way and hopefully some answers I can get back in some sort of groove.

Despite all of this my mood is actually really good. I feel more focused and centered and content. So, I’m on the right track! Yay!

Status

This is not OK:

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This is also not OK:

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We’re still doing a bunch of tests to find out what the fuck so we can make it ok, however. It’s either my heart or my gastro system. We’re clear on that much. Unless we find something else entirely not related to either of those things and then I’ll be “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!” about life.

This, so far, is OK:

20170617_173816

And that’s where we are with all of that.

 

On Being a Woman

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I feel about being a woman thanks to all of the think pieces going on now in regards to “Wonder Woman.” Overall, I don’t relate to a lot of what’s being said. But I can say that after bingeing on “Orange is the New Black” and “The Handmaid’s Tale” I’m ready to kick the shit outta some old, conservative, rich, white dudes and shake some white women until sense returns to them. (Disclaimer: Today is a bad day for me to express this, I just realized. I’m not tone deaf, mostly.)

“Wonder Woman” did have an impact on me, however. A much bigger one than I realized but, still, not in all of the ways it’s impacted other women. By the time the movie was over I was thinking “All of my life I thought Batman was the only superhero I needed in my life. How was I so wrong?!”

Generally speaking, I have to accept and acknowledge just how confident I am in who I am as a person in the world. I don’t feel the need to see myself reflected in my entertainment. I don’t watch things to see my story, after all, I’m living my story! I go to be entertained. So it doesn’t matter to me, really, if the cast is all men, white, black, women, Asian, speaks with weird accents or anything else. Is the story good? Great, I’m set. (Disclaimer: It does matter for me to see a movie based, say, in China told with Chinese actors, however. Some things matter, I’m being broad here, OK? I understand about representation and how important it is, I’m only speaking for myself now. Which puts me in the asshole privileged white lady category and I know that.) 

I also realize that my experiences aren’t the same as everyone else’s, either.  So many women report dealing with sexual harassment and discrimination in various ways and I just don’t have that experience. Or, the times that I can sit and point to that were somebody trying to be sexist in my face I didn’t internalize because that was on them, not me. They’re a jerk, I’m not and it didn’t hold me back or change my view about my place in the world around me.

I explained this to a friend at work and she smiled and said “You’re Wonder Woman.” And after seeing the movie I can understand why she said that and it kind of makes me feel awesome.

But it also makes me feel kind of sad. That there’s apparently so many women that do internalize this and question themselves and their place in the world. (Disclaimer: Here I am not talking about the women who are actively held back and discriminated against due to sexist assholes. I’m talking about the women who hold themselves back because they are women and have the belief that they should hold back.) 

This isn’t to say bad things haven’t happened to me at the hands and actions of boys. They have. But I never ever once raged and thought “If I’d not been a woman….” Never, not once. My only thought has ever been “That asshole! Why did he think he could do that?!” And I guess I just wonder why more women don’t think that. And I know the answer is misogyny and sexism. But internalized misogyny sucks balls and I just wonder what we can do to get that out of our fellow females’ brains? I want so much for women to just be more confident in who they are and to never question their ability to do something or assume they can’t do something simply for being a woman.

Your own individual limitations, sure. We all have reasons we can’t or think we can’t achieve something. I can’t climb certain mountains because I’m super afraid of heights and the thought of falling paralyzes me sometimes. Is this because I’m a woman? Hell naw, this is because I’m a neurotic mess in some regards. That’s genderless!

So, overall this is sounding a whole lot like I’m saying “Y’all just need to be more like me.” I’m not perfect, so that’s not what I’m saying. Especially since this is reeking of soooooo much white lady privilege right now. I should just shut up.

My main point, if you’re still with me after realizing I’m an asshole, is that we women need to help each other let go of that internalized crap. We need to help our friends and mothers and daughters and nieces to believe what I’ve always believed (so much love to my parents for that one), you can be/do anything you put your mind to. No limits. No exceptions. What do you want to do? Work toward that without doubt or question and you can do that. You can be that.

I just look forward to the day that it’s not such a breath of fresh air for so many women that they allowed the Amazons to have wrinkles and scars. To show their bodies jiggle when they made contact with the ground.  So forward. That, to me, would be the freshest breath of air.