I’m Kool & The Gang

Because I’m celebrating that my breast lump was only a cyst. ONLY A CYST!!! It’s a rather large cyst. Like, sneaking a peek at the mammogram while the tech was out of the room without knowing what it was yet was jarring. Then seeing that big black area on the ultrasound was jarring. I made jokes and laughed but inside I was terrified. But the doctor came in and showed me all of it and talked me through it and explained that it’s just a cyst. I have a smaller one, too. So two cysts in one boobs, none in the other. I need to get it aspirated, however, since you cannot see through it to make sure nothing else is hiding back there. But overall I am full of relief and I can feel myself relaxing.

During the mammogram, they move you around into position and all that jazz. So, I’m all tense and she has to keep reminding me to drop/relax my shoulder. She’s trying to move me and get me to relax and several times she’d say “Wow, you are really strong. ” So I must have been an immovable force. Then, at one point, she’s trying to move me and she said “You really are strong. Are you a trainer or something?” and I got all proud on the inside and just said “Well, I hike a lot…” I don’t know if my stress was making me “strong” or whatever but I just do not feel like I’m that swole or whatever. But it sure did make me feel proud.

I’m using this new month to refocus and remotivate and I’m going to the gym tomorrow and then every Tuesday and Thursday like I used to with my trainer and I had to tell a coworker friend that I can no longer provide her a ride on those days and that will help me stick to my goal because if not, I’m just the jerk that isn’t helping her out when I totally could.

I bought a planner and I started using it this morning to fill in my goals, my tasks, my progress and all of that to keep me on track. I’m gonna do this! I have before and I will again. Boom!

I”m gonna do meal planning and meal prep and all of the things. Watch out!

But in the meantime, I have celebratory Oreos. Oops.

 

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Nature of Humans

Wanna know something new that I forgot about that is just yet another thing my doctors should have explained to me in regards to my surgery? Sure ya do:

So, all of our stomachs have this mechanism that tells us when we are full. It’s towards the top, naturally, and it activates when we eat to say “Hey, I’m full. You should stop eating.” Well, when you have a fundoplication done, that mechanism gets moved and wrapped around your esophagus and, therefore, no longer works. Which is another reason I was so miserable for those two weeks. I’d been on a spree of food with no regard to how much I’d ingested.

To combat this I have to be mindful of what I am eating. I have to self regulate. I have to pay better attention. And, therefore, I simply just leave food on my plate now because I have no way of knowing if I’m full and I no longer want to feel as bad as I did that last time. So, I’ve been eating smaller meals more often. Which, is the ideal way to eat. But it’s tiring. And it’s just so weird that I have to pay so much attention now. Bleah.

Maybe it’ll help me with my weight loss, though? I dunno.

Today I read some commentary that part of the Prince death investigation wrapping up meant that all of the photos and videos that were taken in Paisley Park during the investigation have now been made public. That includes his death scene. Meaning his dead body laying on the ground. And people are publishing this and, I assume, people are looking at this. And this is where my not being able to understand human natures kicks in because who the hell wants to see that?! Why would you want to see that? I saw the photos of the famous vault the other day and even then I thought “This feels weird. Should we be seeing this?” and now that I know it was part of that photo evidence it feels even weirder. I will not be looking at any of those photos and I don’t understand those of us that will seek them out.

Human behavior is just so tricky and I wish it was easier. Like, I know it’s not best to hold on to things that bug you until you explode…but I also don’t want to hear about every little thing I do that bugs you. I’ve been in that situation. It makes me feel like I don’t do anything right. And I don’t want to be the person that is highlighting the flaws in another person all the damn time, either. But I also know I hold on to shit until I explode. So, what’s the balance? How do you determine what is worth pointing out and when? Bleah.

And on an end note it’s hard to find out that you’re not as important to people as you once thought you were. It stings.

High Anxiety

Friday night I was watching a live feed from a Prince Celebration concert that Paisley Park was putting on for the second anniversary of his death and it hit me in my feelings because I just love him so and he’s gone and the police report was aired on Thursday and it’s all very sad. Like, it sounds like his death could have been prevented but there’s not enough evidence to show who could have prevented it and all of that sadness. So, I’m watching the video and enjoying it when it hit me that he’s gone and then that reminded me that I have a lump in my breast and what if it’s a huge lump of cancer and that it’s metastasized into other areas already and there’s nothing that can be done and then I’m gonna die but then, you know, I could be with Prince except I don’t believe in all of that but what if I’m wrong and I don’t want to die and that is so very scary and I spiraled right the fuck out, guys. Just….a death spiral, literally.

Then I went on a hike on Saturday morning and it was great. For a while. I decided I should have a lady person in the know locally and I chose one of my hiking friends for she is logical and reasonable and involved in the health care industry so I felt like she could talk me off my ledges. And she did. We let the others get ahead of us and I stopped and asked her permission to burden her with news and I told her and we talked and I shared that even on a vain level this is all very bothersome to me. I’m not the most confident person in my appearance. But I have lovely breasts. This I know without question. Will that be taken away? It shouldn’t matter…but it’s part of it and that’s ok. But she was great and it turned out she’s been though something similar twice and she helped me feel so much better.

But not 100%.

I didn’t know this, however, until I reached a portion of trail that I’m not a fan of. I don’t like areas that have a slope toward the edge where I can also see exactly how high we are. They freak me the hell out. And? I did just that. I freaked the fuck out. I could not go any further. They tried to get me past it but I’m way too anxious at this time and I couldn’t truly explain all of that to the others and that’s ok. So, me and the girl in the know turned around and did a walk around on the road to the other part of the trail and walked down. And? We wound up getting more distance in that way! Go us!

Apparently I’m just one big old bundle of stress and I need to find a way to work it out. Because I still have a week and a day to go before having this thing mammogrammed and ultrasounded. Ugh.

However, on the reasonable side of life I don’t really think this is gonna be cancer. I think it’s gonna be a fibroadenoma. Which is gonna be fine.

It’s all gonna be fine.

Imaginary Converstations

I’m riled up today. I’ll get to that in a moment. For now, let’s do a quick catch-up:

  • I did an upper GI test last week that revealed that my surgery has not failed, which is awesome news! It’s just a wee bit on the tight side, which is good so it lasts for a good long while, and my esophagus is tiny so I just need to take smaller bites, chew more, etc. while also making sure my bathroom habits are regular and staying ahead of that instead of allowing gas and constipation to build up. Woo!
  • I’m down 3.2 pounds since February. Not the almost 10 I should be down by now but I’ll take it and run with it. But because we both have a lot going on we’ve decided to not do the challenge any longer. I think that’s for the best, really. But I’m going to continue on my own. Which is also for the best.
  • I had my annual exam on Tuesday. Apparently, with all the other health concerns of mine, I’ve been slacking on the monthly breast exams. Now I know to never ever ever do that again. Because I have a rather sizable lump in my breast and have to wait close to two weeks for the mammogram to see if it’s a clear lump or a solid lump and then have needles inserted into my breast to drain it if it’s just a cyst or take a biopsy if it’s not. I’m a bit freaked out to say the least and my anxiety brain keeps bringing up all the ways I’ll need to tell people when (IF!!!) I find out it’s cancer and that’s not helping. I don’t think. Or maybe it’s my brain’s way of preparing me for the worst? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst! So, I dunno. I also am just slightly superstitious without wanting to admit that I am and I don’t want to worry the bad news into existence so I’m trying to be chill and not think about it but then I find myself fondling the lump and being mad that I didn’t notice it. And then worried that some of my GI issues are actually related to this lump. I had adhesions on the gallbladder. And my stomach. What if….
    So, yes. I’m worried. I think it’s reasonable to be.

Now…on to my riledupedness!

I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF EXTREMES! Guys. It’s ok for me to say “man the education system here in America really needs some work.” Nowhere in there did I say “Man, America fucking sucks!” It’s possible to enjoy a thing while, also, seeing where it can improve. But nooooo, the “Get out of American if you hate it so much!” crowd cannot be reasoned with. Shut up.

I’m also tired of the extreme liberals who think everyone that isn’t a liberal is some racist, dumb-shit mouth breathing moron. No they are not. Stop being a snob, you assholes.

I’m tired of people acting like if someone you admire did anything at all bad even once in their life they are now “problematic” and should not be supported ever. With that mentality Martin Luther King, Jr. wouldn’t have gotten very far. None of us would. Stop being so all or nothing, damn. Humans have issues.

If you can see the headline “Trump advised that Cohen is likely to flip” and you can still tell yourself “Trump ain’t done anything wrong!” then I do not understand you. A person cannot “flip” if they have nothing of value to share! That’s not how it works, folks.

Starbucks is having a racial bias awareness training. This is dumb. I’m sorry, but it’s dumb. The country, mostly the white citizens of this country, simply need a “Do not call the cops unless you see a literal, verifiable crime taking place. Is there no crime happening? Then do not call.” It’s really that simple.

Hell, for that matter can we all have a “Be a Reasonable Person Training.” I think that’s what I want. I want for everyone to reset back to neutral. And then if I’m talking to a friend of mine and I say something that is racist but I’m not aware it’s racist and they say “You know, Andrea, that’s racist.” and I then respond “Oh, my goodness I had no idea, I’m so sorry.” and then we both move on with our lives…. That. That is what I want every single person alive to be able to do. No drama. No butthurt. No defensiveness. Just….reasonableness. Why is that so impossible?

If you know better, you do better. Right?

I’m tired of journalism being a joke. There are so many other things this administration is up to than porn stars, Russia, and dumb shit tweets. Scott Pruitt, the head of the EPA (protecting the environment is right there in his fucking job title!) is too busy spending money to protect his phone calls, his car, and his plane rides and then scaling back actual protections of the environment yet it gets very little notice. Ryan Zinke is running around shrinking public lands so we can drill and frak and log on them. They’re making it so it doesn’t matter if a rare type of bat lives in the area, log them trees, bats be damned!! I hate it and I hate that journalists are keeping the other dramas alive instead of highlighting the bullshit that is happening in EVERY department of this administration. Do your jobs, journalists.

Basically, things have gotten to the point of being so extreme on both ends that I have very little faith that we can ever be a truly united citizenry ever again. I’ve lost that hope. And that makes me sad. Because it’s very much a sign that most, not all, people are truly that simple minded and selfish. On both sides. And that is heartbreaking.

Ten

I don’t even remember the date but ten years ago this month my divorce was final. I’ve been divorced ten years! And in that time I’ve gone to Ireland; made friends on blogs and Flickr and traveled around to meet them in person; saw Prince in concert twice; moved to Arizona; become a hiker; lost two dogs and a cat and then gained two dogs; had a brief fling; had a very irresponsible relationship; had another brief fling; had to tell two different very nice guys no thank you; hiked the Grand Canyon; went to Russia; went to Canada; went to London; went to Spain; went to Mexico; had visitors; made visits; met a guy and started the first really good relationship since the divorce; was laid off; got a new job; got a new car; went on two family vacations; and just had all of the other day to day life you have in a ten year span. WOW! It’s just sort of nuts. It’s like I’ve lived a whole other lifetime since that time.

So, last week was horrible and terrible. Why? Because for reasons I have determined to be my own stupidity and my period converging inside of my person, I had a nice build up of debilitating gas. It was so bad I stayed home from work on Thursday. I’ve done all of the things and started treating my stomach much kinder and moved around and taken the OTC meds and it’s all calmed down now. I’ve read the forums full of people that have had my surgery and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just a thing that is going to happen for a while and until I am, truly, back to 100% (if if that is never) I need to not treat my stomach like a frat house. Moderation will now be key. Sure, I can have pizza. But not the same weekend that I also eat tacos and chorizo and cake and ice cream and beans and all sorts of other stuff. Space that shit out, damn!

And, yes, I understand that generally speaking it’s not that cool to go Googling and winding up on the WebMD diagnosing yourself with some sort of cancer. But that’s not me. I am reasonable, I know what I’ve gone through, I know what I’m going through, and I’ve not really steered myself too wrong yet. I have an appointment with the GI’s office tomorrow, however, just to make sure. Because I’m not a doctor. I’m just a reasonable person that knows how to properly Google.

I’m also a bit with the ruffled feathers when people give me side eye because “well, I know x person that had that surgery and they were fine” or “you need to go to the er immediately because you’re dying” or “did you take any pills for the pain? why suffer?” How about mind your business? Let’s do that.

I dunno. I’m as guilty of this as the next guy but we’re all very much too much with the “Well this is how I would handle it and that makes sense and works well so everyone should follow suit.” Yeah, no. Not all approaches work for all the people so how about no.

How about understand that not all surgeries are the same, not all repairs are the same, not all of our reasons for the surgery to begin with were the same, and how about doctors give us all a heads up that just because this is a laparoscopic surgery doesn’t mean it’s not a serious one. Because it is. And a heads up on all the recovery issues would be nice, too. For fuck’s sake.

So, last week there was no official weigh in but when I did weigh in I was down a total of 5.5 lbs but that won’t last. That was after taking prescription Miralax for two days and not eating a whole lot.

Yesterday I hiked. That made me feel a whole lot better. So, I’m gonna do this thing where no matter what and no matter how I feel I move my body each day. Every day. In some way. Because I want to be healthy. And my blood work revealed that I mostly am. But damn if my triglyceride levels weren’t high. So, no more bacon fat deviled eggs. Oops. I may have just revealed the source of that issue.

To end I want to recommend everyone listen to Dax Sheppard’s podcast “Armchair Expert.” It’s SO GOOD, OMG!! I’m finding my favorite podcasts are the ones where the interviewer is doing more of a good conversation. Marc Maron, Chris Hardwick, and now Dax are my three favorite podcasts.

Severed

After I wrote my post yesterday something very hurtful to me happened. I’m not gonna go into any details here but I’m documenting it because it helped me get to even further realizations. The realizations are also hurtful but they also helpful in letting me know that it’s not in my mind, and that I’m doing just about the best I can in this situation. Of course there are things that I could have done better but ultimately it wouldn’t really matter. Which is the saddest realization of them all.

Because of this event I decided early in the day that I was going to have cake after dinner. I planned it and then I did it and it was too much and it was too much sugar after limited my sugar intake and I immediately felt like crap. I think I’ve even dealing with the after effects today. I feel all weak and dizzy and like I need a salad and protein to soak it all up and out of my system. So I’m having a turkey and bacon wrap for lunch and hopefully that’ll be better than the carbs and sugar fest. Dang.

We’re not doing the official weigh in today at the office due to the other girl being out but I weighed anyway to just stay on track and accountable and I’m up one pound from last week but that means I”m still down 1.5 pounds from the beginning and that’s not a lot but it’s not nothing so I’m using the events of the past 24ish hours to motivate me to DO BETTER.

I can do better.

We all can.

Realizations

I realized last night that I am far too interested and angry about what other people are doing in their lives. Like, things that do not impact my life one iota. But I’m irritated by it and I’m angry and I find myself wanting to complain about it and that’s just not good. And then it makes me wonder if maybe I’m unhappy in some way but I can’t put my finger on anything so who knows. I just know I need to figure this shit out and get back to my “who cares?” life.

A childhood friend lost her son yesterday in a car accident. It’s really sad because what parent wants to outlive their child and he had his whole life ahead of him and all of the reasons why it’s sad. I never met him but I was around her and her sister and her mom my entire childhood and I feel super sad. But, also, it’s brought back the memory of one of friends that was in our group that died a few years ago, also in a car accident, and I find myself sick to my stomach as if she has died all over again. I’m full of this weird, profound sadness and it’s so weird to me. We’d grown apart as adults. I moved away, she got super religious and right leany, she unfriended me on Facebook for reasons I never knew, and then she was gone. And then her Mom died. And then I think about my Granny dying and I’m spiraling in all these memories of death, you guys. I don’t understand it.

I’ve lost all of my motivation AND energy. I feel completely wiped out when I get home from work as if I just toiled in a mine all day and I can’t gather the strength to gym or walk or any of it. I don’t know why. I think I should go get a physical. Make sure the surgeries didn’t fuck me up, get my tinnitus checked out instead of assuming nothing can be done, and ask for a nice Rx for Ativan or some other anti-anxiety med that won’t make me druggy but will still chill me out as needed. Like, for flying. And being around certain people that trigger my anxiety sky high.

Yesterday I wore a bra AND pants to work and now I know that I just cannot wear a bra any more. I know most women find them to suck but it’s not that. It caused me physical pain. In my chest. Where I used to have the pain when my hiatal hernia issues started. So, a bra is just not gonna go along with my surgical repair. And pants are bad for me because I have belly fat and when I stand up it’s all smooth and spread out evenly but when I sit down it all converges in one big pooch and my pants that were too loose when I was standing up are suddenly so fucking tight I need to unbutton them. This is why I hate shopping for pants. They are not designed for people with my type of weight/fat distribution. Going from too loose to too fight tight is not a good design, guys. So, with the too tight around my waist paired up with too much pressure around my chest? I was miserable and grouchy most of the day yesterday.

I am, also, in the PMS stage and I think I need to just accept that PMS makes me want to be naked, quiet, and alone. Maybe? Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, just leave me be so I don’t grouch out all over your face?

My friend, Randi, and her family visited me over the weekend and I loved it. It was a super quick trip for them and I don’t know how they’re still upright after all of it but the kids were great, I took them to some of my favorite food spots, my dogs got more love than they knew what to do with, and it was just good to see my friend and her husband after so long.

That was a positive! I’ll end it there.