Different Drinks, Same Bar

My weight loss has stalled and I have nobody to blame but myself and all of my excuses. Excuses are aplenty around here and I feel like they are legit but, really, if things are important to you, you make the time. And right now expending my nervous energy in ways that aren’t my evening walk seem to be taking priority even though they shouldn’t.

I always get a bit twitchy before a trip. I have no idea why, it’s just what my brain likes to do. I’m twitchy as fuck at the moment. My nerves and emotions are juuuuuuuust under the surface ready to come out at a moment’s notice. Last night that manifested itself physically by making me itchy all over my body which, really, only made me more easily irritated. But I recognized it and I said to everyone in the room, “please back off for a moment while I reset….I’m having an attack of some sort.” And everyone did and I reset and no incident occurred and I am pleased. Other than not being pleased that this is my brain in the first place.

I think my dogs have felt this energy coming before I have. This entire week they have been so much more clingy. They are usually happy simply being on the couch with me. This week, they are both just on me immediately upon sitting down. On top of me and on top of each other and while I suspect they think they are helping, they are not. The constant need to be RIGHT THERE ON ME ALL OF THE TIME is making it worse. But they are just little dogs. How do you explain that to them? Especially when you just really know in your heart that they are trying to help you? There’s a language barrier that sometimes just cannot be bridged there. So, I let them be on me and I breathe and I feel their hearts beat and I feel them breathe and I calm down eventually. Once I just let it.

I wish I could get to the “just let it” part in all areas so much quicker. My life would be easier more often if I could.

So, my weight loss has stalled while I deal with my pre-trip nerves and my goal is now to just make sure I don’t go up. I can do that. That seems less stressful to me at the moment.

I envy people that are able to just be.

Advertisements

Moving Right Along

back on track

The only day I didn’t come close to the goal was Saturday. And I was so damn close on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday that I should be ashamed of myself for not getting there. But I am not because I am too busy being happy that I was, mostly, back on track and that I’m only up half a pound.

This week I plan to eat salads for lunch and have small dinners to hopefully shed a bit more than the usual in a week to set myself up nicely for my vacation. Vacation is good for walking but, also, bad for just eating what you want. Which I shall. For I’ll be in Spain and you do not go to Spain and say no to the food.

My frame of mind is pretty good other than the new info that I may have to put on a swim suit in public but whatever. That won’t kill me.

And that’s your Monday update.

Your Head is Under Water

This will be the only year that I mark the death of Prince. I’m not one to remember the day loved ones die. I rarely can even recall which year. That doesn’t make them less or more dead and I, personally, find it to be quite unhealthy to focus on someone’s death. Instead, I remember them fondly in moments that happen organically. I don’t look for signs or create moments. Something will happen and my Granny will come to mind. On her own. I don’t have to conjure her. I guess I’m saying I don’t dwell.

Prince’s death, however, dwelled for a bit. Which doesn’t make sense to a lot of people. And that’s fine. My life doesn’t have to make sense to you, thankyouverymuch. I stopped listening to music. All music, not just his. But then that went away. The tears stopped falling as soon as I was reminded that he’d died. It got easier. It got better.

Today there are reminders everywhere and I’m fine. I am having my own Prince Only Music Marathon in my car and at my desk today. And I was fine.

Until “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man” came on and I was singing and dancing and then suddenly I felt my voice catch in my throat on that sad lump of realization that I will never ever again be in the same space as Prince to sing and dance along with hundreds of other people while he’s on stage exuding the most joy I’ve ever been in the presence of. The man was ALIVE on stage. He was doing what he loved and there was no doubt. He loved music. He loved performing. And, oddly enough, he loved us.

I grew up in a really small town in WV so I didn’t have a lot of the same opportunities as others. He didn’t come there to do any shows and my family couldn’t have afforded to send me where he was going to be. I didn’t even have a way of finding out where those places would be. There was no Internet. I have no idea how information was even disseminated back then. It’s a mystery to me and I lived through it.

Once I was married, money was still tight. I sacrificed a lot and didn’t allow myself to partake in a lot of things. Like, when the Internet did become a thing and there were Prince fan clubs that he ran. You had to pay a fee. I didn’t feel that was an expense I should add to our household. But through the years I’ve read about how he participated in the forums. He got to know his fans. He became friends with them. He did special things for them. He offered them advice. He was a friend. And I missed out on that. Which is fine. That’s how life is, really. Growing up the way I did I understand that life has sacrifices and times that aren’t easy. That’s not how life works. But I can’t help but read these stories with a sense of regret. That’s likely just part of my grief.

Instead of holding on to those regrets, however, I am going to hold on to the memories of the shows I did get to attend. The times I was in the same space as him being part of something magical. Something joyous.

I will likely never forget where I was when I found out he had died. The first reading of the news that something was wrong at Paisley Park. The demands I made in my head for it to not be him. The chat I was having with my friend, Randi. All of the texts, phone calls, messages pouring in from people that know me and care about me in some kind of way. The people that simply love drama that wanted to create it in my life and be part of it. The closing of my office door so I could silently wail about this deep sadness that I was not expecting or ready for. My boyfriend contacting me immediately after the meeting he was in to make sure I was ok. Him going to see “Purple Rain” with me, despite him not being a Prince fan in any regard. The compulsive buying of any magazine I saw with his picture on the cover. Never forget. But hopefully the specific day itself will fade from my memory like it has for all of my other loved ones that are no longer here. Because life is for celebrating, not mourning.

Life is for living. Go crazy, punch a higher floor.

 

 

Recharge

This morning I got on my scale at home, which is a thing I very dumbly do every damn day. But this morning it indicated that I’d gained 4 pounds in a day and put me right back where I started.

After I set fire to everything I sat down in the smoke and thought about things logically. There is no way a person can gain 4 pounds in one day. The battery in my scale is dying. I have to tap it to turn on multiple times before it finally does and this is the last symptom of a dying battery. I don’t feel heavier and I would if I’d put on that much.

Once logic grabbed hold I put out all of the fires and continued to get ready for work. Once at work I got on the scale and saw something much more realistic. An increase, from my last official office weigh in, of just two pounds. That is expected. That is realistic. I will now buy a new battery for my home scale to protect the world around me from flames.

I have been feeling, um…backed up recently. So, I used my flame rage this morning and went to McD’s for breakfast to help get things moving. I now have high chest pains that are quite likely gas related and I think that was a good call. In my period induced dizziness last week I increased the amount of iron containing foods I’d been eating and that likely did this. Now I have to counter balance that. Great.

Next week I’m going to take a page out of Randi’s book and have salads for lunch. I’ve not been eating as healthy as I could or should the past two or so weeks and I just don’t feel super great. I think I need to reset and refocus. And so I shall.

I don’t know when this became a journal of my periods and poops but there you go. Enjoy the riveting drama of Andrea and her body.

Blood Lust

So, last week while having my period I was dizzy as shit, right? But that mostly passed. But then Sunday and yesterday I was just worn out. Like, fatigued is the actual word I would use. On my way home from work I needed to stop for some groceries and I suddenly knew I wanted steak. Super wanted steak. I never buy steak to cook at home. Steak is special and something I only have in a restaurant. However, I found a good looking filet mignon at Sprouts for less than $6 and I bought that sucker.

Now, since I don’t buy steak for the house that means I don’t cook steak. It’s been years since I cooked a steak. So I winged it. I melted some garlic herb Kerry’s Gold butter in a pan, along with some regular butter, over medium heat. I seasoned the steak with salt, pepper, and garlic powder on each side and flopped it in the pan and seared it on each side. Then, I lowered the heat a bit and then covered the pan with a lid. And let it cook that way. I like my steaks rare to medium rare. Nice and pink and juicy. And I cooked that steak perfectly!

However, I didn’t really get to enjoy it because my body said “PUT THAT STEAK IN ME!!!” and I devoured that thing as if I were a bear. I am a slow eater. I am always the last one to finish any meal. But that steak was gone before I could even register that I was eating a lovely steak that I cooked for myself. And today I feel like I’m a bit back to normal. I don’t feel 100% yet but I don’t feel like I could just lay down and sleep the day away, so that’s good.

But now you know the story of the steak I ate like a bear.

Do Over

dizzy week

Last Tuesday my period started and along with it came the most horrifying dizziness I’ve experienced yet. Being upright was terrible. So, no walking happened Tuesday or Wednesday at all.

Also, since my brain said “oh, shit…you’re dizzy…we need to fix this!” it decided food was the answer even though food was not the answer. But food I did.

Apparently “can stop, will stop” is my motto.

I’m up 2.6 pounds from last Monday and I’m not going to be mad about it because for my Friday weigh in it was much higher and no thank you. I’ll get back on track and downward progress will be seen once again.

I had Friday off so I worked out with my trainer since the rest of the week didn’t work out. I am tired and sore, man. Tomorrow is my last session with him and then the true test will be to see if I motivate myself to go gym on my own. I can do that, right? Sure.

Friday was also the only day I managed my neighborhood walk. Again, this is a new week. No shame spirals here. Only moving forward is happening.

I hiked Sunday. Then lay my ass on the couch most of the day. I feel super tired. I don’t know why.

There’s your update. You’re welcome.

Bronze

better week

I kicked shit into high gear last week and I’m not gonna stop. As Randi says “Can’t stop, won’t stop.”

My lifetime steps with my FitBit are: 3,216,561

I don’t recall when I bought the thing but I do know there was a period of time that I did not wear it so there’s that.

I came in third place in the office weight loss challenge with a total of 8.2 pounds lost since January 9th.

For my own purposes, I’m down 9.2. So just ONE POUND!! away from my first goal. SO CLOSE!!!

Yesterday I went to a birthday party and I ate a chocolate chip cookie and a cupcake and then felt like complete shit thanks to all of the sugar involved and I will never do that again. I’m not one with the sugar any longer. Sugar must truly now be in moderation. Thank you, healthy living.

I had house coffee this weekend and it was glorious.

I have pre cramps cramps and I’m in no mood! So this is your update with just the facts, ma’am.