The One Where I Say Good-bye to Health Woes

The last time I wrote, I’d just found out that my breast lump was just a cyst. AMEN TO THAT.

Since then, I went and hiked the tallest mountain I’d hiked yet. It wasn’t a hard trail, but the altitude and the things it does to my body made it hard. I get altitude sickness. Because of course I fucking do. I get every other weird assed ailment possible so why not this one, too? I don’t know what to do about it. I do know that I need to find a way to force myself to drink more water as I hike up the mountain, despite my feeling that I’m doing a good job of drinking water I am not. I need to snack more as I go up. Stopping at the saddle, just 500 feet short of the summit, did me in. If I’d just kept hiking I would have made it to the top. But stopping and letting it all catch up with me caused extreme dizziness and nausea to hit. I didn’t want to lose my balance on the last bit of up that was steeper and I didn’t want to push the nausea as I’m not supposed to throw up after my surgery. So….great.

The hike was lovely and now that I’m over a week removed from it I’m super glad I did it but at the time I was just mad. I felt like shit and my body hurt and I felt like I had no business doing it and even said “Why did I think I could do this?!” and everyone looked at me and said “Well…you did do it sooooo….what’s the issue?” I hate it when everyone just doesn’t let me be illogical and unreasonable. It’s so rude.

I was afraid to eat once we got to the post hike grub but a cheeseburger was exactly what my body needed and I inhaled that thing and then felt so much better. Behold the power of the cheeseburger!

And I’ve not done much in the way of activity since. I did some hallway walks. I did the gym once. But I’m committing to doing both of those much more often. The heat is getting higher here so I doubt I’ll be doing neighborhood walks for a bit but I can swim laps in the pool and do things like that in between hikes and gym.

On Friday I had the cyst aspirated. They did it with an ultrasound so they could ensure they got all the fluid out and let me tell you that was pretty dang cool to watch. I saw the needle go in to numb my breast and the cyst, which was the most painful part. And it made me queasy. Likely since I was watching it and feeling it. But then watching the needle go in and start to drain the cyst, seeing the cyst start to shrink smaller and smaller until it just no longer existed was awesome.  The bonus is that the fluid that was in the cyst didn’t have any blood in it, they even showed me that and it was awesome and gross. Like, that just came out of my breast!! But the lack of any blood meant that it was simply a cyst and no more testing or concern was involved. They just tossed it into the trash and that was that.

Later that night, though, my boob hurt like hell. It was tender and uncomfortable. I wasn’t anticipating that. But it recovered. It still has a bruise but it’s not sore anymore.

And with that, my current state of health is HEALTHY AND GOOD AMEN.

Tonight I am doing meal prep for the week and getting back on that train. I will lost 15 pounds and that is final. I’m making some nicely seasoned chicken breasts, some sauteed red peppers and zucchini, oven roasting some brussels sprouts with red onion and bacon, cleaning and cutting up some fruit for snacks, and making my bacon fat deviled eggs to breakfast. Solid plan. Solid menu. I’m a fan.

I also have become obsessed with Hippeas snacks. I like to feel like I’m snacking so it makes my heart happy to still have that while knowing that my snack is healthy. It’s a win win!! Woo!

My boyfriend has started eating less and running more, as if he needs to. But he’s doing it for me. So I’m not in this alone. And I love him for that and that’s gonna motivate me to really be actually motivated this time. Because dammit, I need to be motivated this time!

Advertisements

I’m Kool & The Gang

Because I’m celebrating that my breast lump was only a cyst. ONLY A CYST!!! It’s a rather large cyst. Like, sneaking a peek at the mammogram while the tech was out of the room without knowing what it was yet was jarring. Then seeing that big black area on the ultrasound was jarring. I made jokes and laughed but inside I was terrified. But the doctor came in and showed me all of it and talked me through it and explained that it’s just a cyst. I have a smaller one, too. So two cysts in one boobs, none in the other. I need to get it aspirated, however, since you cannot see through it to make sure nothing else is hiding back there. But overall I am full of relief and I can feel myself relaxing.

During the mammogram, they move you around into position and all that jazz. So, I’m all tense and she has to keep reminding me to drop/relax my shoulder. She’s trying to move me and get me to relax and several times she’d say “Wow, you are really strong. ” So I must have been an immovable force. Then, at one point, she’s trying to move me and she said “You really are strong. Are you a trainer or something?” and I got all proud on the inside and just said “Well, I hike a lot…” I don’t know if my stress was making me “strong” or whatever but I just do not feel like I’m that swole or whatever. But it sure did make me feel proud.

I’m using this new month to refocus and remotivate and I’m going to the gym tomorrow and then every Tuesday and Thursday like I used to with my trainer and I had to tell a coworker friend that I can no longer provide her a ride on those days and that will help me stick to my goal because if not, I’m just the jerk that isn’t helping her out when I totally could.

I bought a planner and I started using it this morning to fill in my goals, my tasks, my progress and all of that to keep me on track. I’m gonna do this! I have before and I will again. Boom!

I”m gonna do meal planning and meal prep and all of the things. Watch out!

But in the meantime, I have celebratory Oreos. Oops.

 

Ten

I don’t even remember the date but ten years ago this month my divorce was final. I’ve been divorced ten years! And in that time I’ve gone to Ireland; made friends on blogs and Flickr and traveled around to meet them in person; saw Prince in concert twice; moved to Arizona; become a hiker; lost two dogs and a cat and then gained two dogs; had a brief fling; had a very irresponsible relationship; had another brief fling; had to tell two different very nice guys no thank you; hiked the Grand Canyon; went to Russia; went to Canada; went to London; went to Spain; went to Mexico; had visitors; made visits; met a guy and started the first really good relationship since the divorce; was laid off; got a new job; got a new car; went on two family vacations; and just had all of the other day to day life you have in a ten year span. WOW! It’s just sort of nuts. It’s like I’ve lived a whole other lifetime since that time.

So, last week was horrible and terrible. Why? Because for reasons I have determined to be my own stupidity and my period converging inside of my person, I had a nice build up of debilitating gas. It was so bad I stayed home from work on Thursday. I’ve done all of the things and started treating my stomach much kinder and moved around and taken the OTC meds and it’s all calmed down now. I’ve read the forums full of people that have had my surgery and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just a thing that is going to happen for a while and until I am, truly, back to 100% (if if that is never) I need to not treat my stomach like a frat house. Moderation will now be key. Sure, I can have pizza. But not the same weekend that I also eat tacos and chorizo and cake and ice cream and beans and all sorts of other stuff. Space that shit out, damn!

And, yes, I understand that generally speaking it’s not that cool to go Googling and winding up on the WebMD diagnosing yourself with some sort of cancer. But that’s not me. I am reasonable, I know what I’ve gone through, I know what I’m going through, and I’ve not really steered myself too wrong yet. I have an appointment with the GI’s office tomorrow, however, just to make sure. Because I’m not a doctor. I’m just a reasonable person that knows how to properly Google.

I’m also a bit with the ruffled feathers when people give me side eye because “well, I know x person that had that surgery and they were fine” or “you need to go to the er immediately because you’re dying” or “did you take any pills for the pain? why suffer?” How about mind your business? Let’s do that.

I dunno. I’m as guilty of this as the next guy but we’re all very much too much with the “Well this is how I would handle it and that makes sense and works well so everyone should follow suit.” Yeah, no. Not all approaches work for all the people so how about no.

How about understand that not all surgeries are the same, not all repairs are the same, not all of our reasons for the surgery to begin with were the same, and how about doctors give us all a heads up that just because this is a laparoscopic surgery doesn’t mean it’s not a serious one. Because it is. And a heads up on all the recovery issues would be nice, too. For fuck’s sake.

So, last week there was no official weigh in but when I did weigh in I was down a total of 5.5 lbs but that won’t last. That was after taking prescription Miralax for two days and not eating a whole lot.

Yesterday I hiked. That made me feel a whole lot better. So, I’m gonna do this thing where no matter what and no matter how I feel I move my body each day. Every day. In some way. Because I want to be healthy. And my blood work revealed that I mostly am. But damn if my triglyceride levels weren’t high. So, no more bacon fat deviled eggs. Oops. I may have just revealed the source of that issue.

To end I want to recommend everyone listen to Dax Sheppard’s podcast “Armchair Expert.” It’s SO GOOD, OMG!! I’m finding my favorite podcasts are the ones where the interviewer is doing more of a good conversation. Marc Maron, Chris Hardwick, and now Dax are my three favorite podcasts.

Severed

After I wrote my post yesterday something very hurtful to me happened. I’m not gonna go into any details here but I’m documenting it because it helped me get to even further realizations. The realizations are also hurtful but they also helpful in letting me know that it’s not in my mind, and that I’m doing just about the best I can in this situation. Of course there are things that I could have done better but ultimately it wouldn’t really matter. Which is the saddest realization of them all.

Because of this event I decided early in the day that I was going to have cake after dinner. I planned it and then I did it and it was too much and it was too much sugar after limited my sugar intake and I immediately felt like crap. I think I’ve even dealing with the after effects today. I feel all weak and dizzy and like I need a salad and protein to soak it all up and out of my system. So I’m having a turkey and bacon wrap for lunch and hopefully that’ll be better than the carbs and sugar fest. Dang.

We’re not doing the official weigh in today at the office due to the other girl being out but I weighed anyway to just stay on track and accountable and I’m up one pound from last week but that means I”m still down 1.5 pounds from the beginning and that’s not a lot but it’s not nothing so I’m using the events of the past 24ish hours to motivate me to DO BETTER.

I can do better.

We all can.

Realizations

I realized last night that I am far too interested and angry about what other people are doing in their lives. Like, things that do not impact my life one iota. But I’m irritated by it and I’m angry and I find myself wanting to complain about it and that’s just not good. And then it makes me wonder if maybe I’m unhappy in some way but I can’t put my finger on anything so who knows. I just know I need to figure this shit out and get back to my “who cares?” life.

A childhood friend lost her son yesterday in a car accident. It’s really sad because what parent wants to outlive their child and he had his whole life ahead of him and all of the reasons why it’s sad. I never met him but I was around her and her sister and her mom my entire childhood and I feel super sad. But, also, it’s brought back the memory of one of friends that was in our group that died a few years ago, also in a car accident, and I find myself sick to my stomach as if she has died all over again. I’m full of this weird, profound sadness and it’s so weird to me. We’d grown apart as adults. I moved away, she got super religious and right leany, she unfriended me on Facebook for reasons I never knew, and then she was gone. And then her Mom died. And then I think about my Granny dying and I’m spiraling in all these memories of death, you guys. I don’t understand it.

I’ve lost all of my motivation AND energy. I feel completely wiped out when I get home from work as if I just toiled in a mine all day and I can’t gather the strength to gym or walk or any of it. I don’t know why. I think I should go get a physical. Make sure the surgeries didn’t fuck me up, get my tinnitus checked out instead of assuming nothing can be done, and ask for a nice Rx for Ativan or some other anti-anxiety med that won’t make me druggy but will still chill me out as needed. Like, for flying. And being around certain people that trigger my anxiety sky high.

Yesterday I wore a bra AND pants to work and now I know that I just cannot wear a bra any more. I know most women find them to suck but it’s not that. It caused me physical pain. In my chest. Where I used to have the pain when my hiatal hernia issues started. So, a bra is just not gonna go along with my surgical repair. And pants are bad for me because I have belly fat and when I stand up it’s all smooth and spread out evenly but when I sit down it all converges in one big pooch and my pants that were too loose when I was standing up are suddenly so fucking tight I need to unbutton them. This is why I hate shopping for pants. They are not designed for people with my type of weight/fat distribution. Going from too loose to too fight tight is not a good design, guys. So, with the too tight around my waist paired up with too much pressure around my chest? I was miserable and grouchy most of the day yesterday.

I am, also, in the PMS stage and I think I need to just accept that PMS makes me want to be naked, quiet, and alone. Maybe? Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, just leave me be so I don’t grouch out all over your face?

My friend, Randi, and her family visited me over the weekend and I loved it. It was a super quick trip for them and I don’t know how they’re still upright after all of it but the kids were great, I took them to some of my favorite food spots, my dogs got more love than they knew what to do with, and it was just good to see my friend and her husband after so long.

That was a positive! I’ll end it there.

The See-Saw

I’m back down 2.5 which means I’m basically gaining and losing the same pounds over and over. I gain, I see what needs to change and I change it and I go down and then I think “oh, I’m doing good, come here carbs!” and then up I go again.

So, that’s fine and good.

I’m still in 1st place. Out of 2. Which is so absurd to call this a challenge.

That’s all I got. I’m still doing my spring cleaning and it’s all coming together and when I see my dumping ground room I smile because I’m turning into my Granny and she was pretty effing awesome.

Even if the dumping ground room is a hot mess. And so was Granny’s. But she was awesome. Let’s focus on that.

I’m aging into my awesome Granny. Go me!

Sproing!

So, it’s spring. Which is good. Except I’m in Arizona and we don’t see much difference outside of some flowers and cactus and other plants in bloom. But the weather is about the same and we get sort of rude about how lovely the weather is in regards to it snowing its ass off on the East coast. We’re the worst.

I did not make it to the gym again last week and I will not make it this week. Last week I was far too sore, I was giving rides to and fro work to a coworker friend with car issues, and I just plain ran out of time and steam. This week I am way involved in a spring cleaning project I started over the weekend and have plans in the evenings and wow, when did I get so busy?

So, the spring cleaning. It was totally brought on by an impending visit by a friend. However, I’ve had friends come to visit and all I did was a regular cleaning and life was fine. So it’s not totally due to her and her fam. I just, somehow, when I started doing the usual cleaning got all deep with it. And it’s a mess. Because I’m sort of kind of a low level hoarder. I have to accept this now. It’s fine. I’m cleaning rooms and closets and dumping shit into the office room off of my bedroom for the final push of de-hoarding and it’ll all be grand!

Right now, minus the closet, my computer room is done and it’s looks awesome. I decluttered the bookshelf, I am utilizing one of the built in wall shelves, my computer desk is, mostly, cleared off but I still have to do finances so I can only clear off so much at the moment, and my file cabinet does not have a large stack of paper waiting to be filed. Did I file it, you ask? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are so funny. No. I found a box and put it all in a box and that box is now in the previously mentioned dumping room. Oops. It’s fine. Also, the closet in that room isn’t too bad. I just have to pull out old computer equipment and dump it into the dumping ground to be added to the yard sale stacks. So I’m calling this room done.

The guest room is the same. All clean and good except for the closet. This closet holds all of my old props from my self portrait fun times. That ended 10 years ago. These should be dumped into the dumping ground and they will as soon as I’m done with the other cleaning what the eye can actually see stuff. So this room is considered done, too.

I’ve made a list of the rooms and the things that need to be done this morning and it made it all seem so much less over-whelming. Even though the list is longer than I thought it would be. It won’t be over-whelming, really, until I go to tackle the dumping ground. But then? My life should be de-cluttered and then I should only have to do the regular cleaning that other people do in their lives. Whew!

This morning I finished dusting the dining room and I’ll just do one final vacuum in there when I do the final vacuum of the whole front area of the house. The living room, kitchen, dining room areas.

All that leaves is the kitchen, the living room, and the hallway bathroom. My bedroom and the dumping ground will be tackled last and not at all before this weekend because whoa!

I’m also re-cleaning my diet but that’s gonna be blown this weekend and you know what? I care not. I’m happy and so there.

I hiked Saturday, I got almost all of my steps in Sunday and Monday, and I’m doing all sorts of moving and lifting at the house so I’m not worried too much about my activity level.

And that, my friends, is where we are today.