I realized last night that I am far too interested and angry about what other people are doing in their lives. Like, things that do not impact my life one iota. But I’m irritated by it and I’m angry and I find myself wanting to complain about it and that’s just not good. And then it makes me wonder if maybe I’m unhappy in some way but I can’t put my finger on anything so who knows. I just know I need to figure this shit out and get back to my “who cares?” life.
A childhood friend lost her son yesterday in a car accident. It’s really sad because what parent wants to outlive their child and he had his whole life ahead of him and all of the reasons why it’s sad. I never met him but I was around her and her sister and her mom my entire childhood and I feel super sad. But, also, it’s brought back the memory of one of friends that was in our group that died a few years ago, also in a car accident, and I find myself sick to my stomach as if she has died all over again. I’m full of this weird, profound sadness and it’s so weird to me. We’d grown apart as adults. I moved away, she got super religious and right leany, she unfriended me on Facebook for reasons I never knew, and then she was gone. And then her Mom died. And then I think about my Granny dying and I’m spiraling in all these memories of death, you guys. I don’t understand it.
I’ve lost all of my motivation AND energy. I feel completely wiped out when I get home from work as if I just toiled in a mine all day and I can’t gather the strength to gym or walk or any of it. I don’t know why. I think I should go get a physical. Make sure the surgeries didn’t fuck me up, get my tinnitus checked out instead of assuming nothing can be done, and ask for a nice Rx for Ativan or some other anti-anxiety med that won’t make me druggy but will still chill me out as needed. Like, for flying. And being around certain people that trigger my anxiety sky high.
Yesterday I wore a bra AND pants to work and now I know that I just cannot wear a bra any more. I know most women find them to suck but it’s not that. It caused me physical pain. In my chest. Where I used to have the pain when my hiatal hernia issues started. So, a bra is just not gonna go along with my surgical repair. And pants are bad for me because I have belly fat and when I stand up it’s all smooth and spread out evenly but when I sit down it all converges in one big pooch and my pants that were too loose when I was standing up are suddenly so fucking tight I need to unbutton them. This is why I hate shopping for pants. They are not designed for people with my type of weight/fat distribution. Going from too loose to too fight tight is not a good design, guys. So, with the too tight around my waist paired up with too much pressure around my chest? I was miserable and grouchy most of the day yesterday.
I am, also, in the PMS stage and I think I need to just accept that PMS makes me want to be naked, quiet, and alone. Maybe? Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, just leave me be so I don’t grouch out all over your face?
My friend, Randi, and her family visited me over the weekend and I loved it. It was a super quick trip for them and I don’t know how they’re still upright after all of it but the kids were great, I took them to some of my favorite food spots, my dogs got more love than they knew what to do with, and it was just good to see my friend and her husband after so long.
That was a positive! I’ll end it there.