I did not hike today. I wanted to. But my throat was still sore and I was grumpy and Gladys was grumpy and I just felt like I should have one more full day of rest. So, yet another day that I didn’t even leave the house. I haven’t had a weekend like this in forever. But I did just read an article about fitness for hikers and the twelfth step was rest. So, I just did step 12. Boom!
Truth be known? I think I’ve been flirting with depression again. I hate that. But I find myself feeling like I’m unloved, uncared for. That not even the people that should be bound to love and care about me just….don’t. But really all that means is that people just aren’t showing they love or care about me in the ways that I think they should. And that is silly as fuck. So I’m gonna stop that.
Another thing I’ve been grappling with is a conversation I had with a couple at the PGA fun times that really just got into my head and pulled out all of my negative self thoughts.
Basically this couple met on Match and I said “Oh, how nice! I didn’t have much luck there in the past when I tried.” That prompted the man portion of this couple to look at me and say “Well, you know…you’re not an unpretty person…” and I was all “Umm…that doesn’t exactly mean I’m an attractive person!” and it really hit me wrong. And then he got his lady portion involved and she explained that I have a nice smile. I’m cute. I have the cleavage. But that Match really is a visual forum and maybe I’d have better luck on eHarmony. And I said something and my Dad hears everything because he’s Dad and he leans over and says “I’m her Dad and I’m hear to look after her…” or something like that.
Basically my Dad had to intervene to make the people stop telling me that I’m ugly. That? Felt super duper.
So on top of not feeling loved or cared for I get to grapple with my crazy self esteem in regards to my appearance. Which is not great. And it makes me wonder if certain people would still be in my life if I was prettier and blah blah blah stupid stuff.
So, here’s a picture I took of myself and it is 100% not edited other than to crop out unnecessary items in the background. My tendency is to edit it, make me look prettier, all of that. But nope. I will not give in to that. Well, not here, anyway. I did that for Instagram and Facebook. But this forum is about me being healthy. So this is me trying to be healthy, emotionally.
I hate all of the work it takes for me to sometimes just be ok with me. I hate caring what strangers think of my appearance. I hate that I work so hard to get people to like me. I’m too sensitive. I’m too apologetic about who I am.
Hopefully this weekend of rest will have done the trick and I can get back on my regular routine that includes happy endorphins. I guess I really do need those.