I should have been at the gym last night working with Tyler but instead I chose to play hookey. I had horrible, horrible cramps, my legs felt like they were being twisted off, and I was overly weepy and ugh. So I didn’t go. I just couldn’t make myself do it.
Instead I went home and watched “Guardians of the Galaxy” while my scruffy little terrierist hit me with toys until I played tug with her. I was far too fatigued to fight with her. I’ve been working on NOT giving in to her rude assed demands but when your uterus is twisting off your legs you tend to not really give a shit about much else.
So, I took a muscle relaxer and got all nice and chill and that was that.
Today I have spent the day feeling crampy and leg twisty and sad and jealous and sad. It sucks being jealous and it leading to sad. Especially when I’m mostly full of holiday cheer. But that brings sad.
Life changes. People come and go. Friends’ lives change and that makes your relationship change and it’s all sad. The people that go that make you miss them are sad. I’m just sad. I love who I love and I want them to be there always.
This is part of my getting off of the couch, though. Having my own life. Something that I can do and have for myself. And I think I know that now. I think that me going into the desert and being happy there and doing that for me and nobody else has been very important and I think I’ve been slowly realizing why. I have to have a life that is mine and not so dependent on those that I love so much. They have their lives outside of me. I needed to have my life. It’s been building up since my divorce but I don’t think I had fully grabbed on with both hands until this year. It doesn’t mean I won’t be sad. Of course not. I’ll never stop missing those I didn’t want to have to let go. But at least I’ll have ME and my life to fill up time that would otherwise be spent on the couch. Waiting for someone else’s life to have space for me.
My life is big and has space for me.
I’m glad I recognize my journey.