Learn from my mistakes

Never buy batteries for your scale when you already know that you are in a hormone induced shitstorm. Just don’t. More on that in a bit.

First, let’s catch up on the gym:

BM incline chest press 3 10 20×10 20×10 20×10
Cybex seated row close 3 10 50×10 50×10 50×10
Smith incline bench press 3 10 10×10 20×10 20×10
EZ bent over row rev. Grip 3 12 40×20 50×20 50×15
Smith seated shoulder press 3 15 15 15 15
EZ bar bicep curl 3 15 20×15 20×15 20×15
FM tricep extensions 3 10 15×10 20×10 20×10
Roman chair knee raises 3 10 10 10 10
Roman chair leg raises 3 10 10 10 10
Swiss ball crunch 3 15 25 5×15 5×15

My period decided to show up just as I was walking to the bathroom at the office to change to go to the gym. Thanks for that, body. So, yeah, I had major cramps kicking but I don’t wanna be all “Dude, I have cramps” to the poor guy. He deals with a lot from me. He shouldn’t have to also think about my dumb uterus.

But I did all of that up there and it was good. I’m stronger. Let’s focus on me saying that. I am stronger. I continue to get stronger. This is all true.

Ok, now. On to today.

Remember on October 1st when I said I was going to join a challenge with my friend Randi because my weight was up? Yeah…

At that point I was hovering right around 159. I hopped on the scale today after putting the batteries in and I’m at 165. My heaviest ever has been 161. So, I’m fat shaming myself right now. Because I have to. I cannot be nice to myself or else I am going to continue the habits I’ve gotten myself into the past two months. So, no more of that. Yes, I can recognize that I am stronger and able to hike and all of that. And that is all fanfuckingtastic. But I don’t have to also carry extra weight as I do it.

And this, folks, is nothing but extra weight:

I'm crying. I'll stop in a bit but this is just not a happy sight for me. Don't even try to talk me out of it.

I’m crying. I’ll stop in a bit but this is just not a happy sight for me. Don’t even try to talk me out of it.

Nothing I am saying right now reflects how I feel about anyone else or their body, OK? So don’t try it. This is about me and my body. The body that *I* have to live in.

People keep telling me to ignore the scale. But you know what happens when I do that? I lie to myself and I eat whatever the hell I want to. Like breakfast burritos every morning for two months! You cannot do that and expect to NOT gain weight. You cannot eat Oreos after having breakfast burritos every morning for two months. You cannot then have a homemade milkshake every evening after you’ve had dinner and an Oreo and a breakfast burrito for two months. These things do not make you lose weight. They make you add weight.

Yes. My body is stronger. That is a positive and I’m not at all taking away my accomplishments on that front. But dammit I’m carrying extra weight and you cannot tell me I’m not. I’m done arguing about it. I’m done debating it. THAT IS EXTRA FUCKING FAT ON MY FRAME. I’m not looking to be a stick. I’m not looking to be skinny. But carrying extra weight is NOT HEALTHY. And it makes me unhappy. I don’t feel good about myself. Carrying this extra weight is not good for me physically or emotionally. And it ends now.

Well, it ends after I go cry for a bit more. Then it will end.

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2 thoughts on “Learn from my mistakes

  1. I’m glad you stopped crying. We can do this together! We’re only what, three weeks in? Let’s give it til the end of 2014 to get some healthy eating habits established. But yeah. Bye, bye chorizo.

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