Going in two different directions

I want to start off by talking about Robin Williams for a moment. Or, rather, depression. But also Robin Williams. Anytime a celebrity dies I take a moment to feel a bit bummed or sad or whatever because that was a life, a member of a family, a person that was loved by people around them. But I’ve never cried over one. Until today. When I heard the news I just immediately broke down sobbing in my car. I have no real idea why this hit me so hard but it did.

But since it is currently being presented as a suicide with reports pointing out that he had dealt with depression off and on for the majority of his life I want to add to the voices that are speaking up about this. It’s relevant to my current process and it’s important for people to talk about it. Not, really, so other who don’t deal with it will understand it. There’s not a really good way to make that happen. You either know how it feels or you don’t. But you can be more caring and empathetic towards those that are going through it. You can lend a hand when you know someone in your life deals with depression and/or anxiety. Make sure they know  you’re there. Try to learn the signs of it and be proactive.

I’ve dealt with depression for the majority of my life and have basically refused to acknowledge it or agree when others said I was. Because mine didn’t look like the depression that others had. Which, you know, of course not. Mine looks like mine. Just like my eyes look my eyes.

I read stories about people dealing with depression and I was always all “Well, that’s not me, that’s not what I’m dealing with!” and used that as fuel to continue to pretend that my “sads” weren’t depression.

I think reading this post was the first time that I even remotely saw myself. And it was basically in this one panel:

From Hyperbole and a Half’s Depression Part Two post.

This one spoke to me. I’ve never ever been suicidal. And I’ve never thought “I wish I was dead.” But I have thought on more than a few occasions that it would maybe be a wee bit better if I could just somehow, magically, stop existing. Which is absurd! Of course it is! But, I can only say that right now because I’m not currently dealing with depression. And this thought is a hard one to bring up to anyone because all they’re going to hear is “I want to do harm to myself” when that is not the case. Not even a little. So you keep it to yourself. Until now. It’s important to talk about your feelings and have people provide comfort.

I have spells where I’ll just lay in the floor for hours and sob. Why the floor? Because I don’t deserve to be comfortable. Yes. Depression is so absurd. It lies and it’s weird and it’s absurd. I don’t deserve comfort so I’ll lay in the floor and sob all alone because I’m all alone and nobody is there to love me and nobody does love me and nobody gives a shit. Depression. The liar.

But it is important to accept it if you deal with depression. It’s important for those of us that haven’t gotten to the point that I have. I still can’t openly talk about it with my family. But I can talk about it here. I can talk about it with my friends. And I can talk about it on Facebook and anywhere else online. Online has made it super easy for me. But I don’t want to talk to my family about it. Not yet. I’m not at that place.

If you think, if a wee tiny bit, that you might even in the slightest have depression from time to time, please talk to someone. Please. Please know that you are never alone. You’re not. Take care of yourselves, every one. You’re important and loved.

I have likely not talked about this as well or as eloquently as this topic deserves. But I talked about it. Because it’s important.

Now. I came out of a long, drawn out depression earlier this year when I randomly, for reasons that I still don’t fully understand yet, decided that I was going to get my ass in shape and hike the Grand Canyon.

So, here is where I switch directions and get all pumped up and proud of myself!

I bought myself some new yoga pants to deal with the unfortunate crotch sweat issue and I think they make my butt look pretty good. I even feel like I’m seeing some shape in my thighs!

wpid-img_20140811_170044.jpg

Then I took that wee booty to the gym and I walked on the stairmill for TEN MINUTES!! I am very pleased by that. And then I did my shoulder warm ups and then I did THREE MORE MINUTES! on the stairmill. Go me!

Since my entire body felt pretty good Tyler decided that was unacceptable and did a full body workout.

  • First we did the leg press. I’m pretty sure the heaviest weight I’d done thus far was 50lbs. Well today I did 90lbs. Without too much issue. Like, I had good range of motion, he didn’t have to assist, I didn’t grunt or think I was going to die. I just pressed 90lbs up with my legs! 3 sets of 10 of that!
  • Then I did 3 sets of 20 calf raises. Since, apparently, I didn’t do enough calf work already at ballet gym. Pffft.
  • Hamstring curls. I hate them. I did them. 3 sets of 10. First set was 40lbs, pretty easy. Last sets was 50lbs, hard.
  • Then I did the glute kick back machine, which I’ve never used. It felt weird. And it looks like some sort of contraption they’d put you in for a colon exam or something. The first set was easy, but weird. The motion and the feel of the machine was weird. I did 12 with 50lbs. The second set I did 12 with 80lbs. He asked how that was and I explained that both sets were really easy, that I didn’t feel the difference between the weights so he added more. At this point I had NO idea how much weight was on there and he wouldn’t tell me until I was done. The last set of 12 was with 100lbs. I could tell the difference but I still did it easily and with yay! There was much high fiving and me feeling proud of myself.
  • Then it was time to work my arms. With some assisted pullups. This machine has you do them on your knees and I guess it’s a bit easier than the other machine? I dunno. But the way the weight worked I was basically only pulling up 40 or 50lbs. And I did 3 sets. 15, 13, 12.
  • Then I had to do this ab machine thing where you crunch with weights. 3 sets of 15. 40, 40, 50lbs.
  • Now I’m doing swiss ball chest presses. I should get a swiss ball for my house at this point. The first time he had me do anything on that ball I was a shaky, unbalanced mess. Now I’m all “Oh, I should get one for home and do crunches and chest presses and bounce around on it for fun!” So, yeah. Chest presses with 15lb dumbbells. 3 sets of 10.
  • And we finished it off with me doing 3 sets of 15 crunches on the swiss ball. I damn near vomited. I don’t know why other than it was hot and I worked pretty hard.

After this workout I just felt really happy and good and super proud of the progress I’ve made in my strength. I may not yet have stamina but I’m definitely improving my level of strength and that’s good. The rest will all fall into place. I’m doing more and changing stuff up in my life and it’s all pretty great.

Life is pretty great.

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