A group from work was supposed to do the Piestewa Peak hike to the top today but it was cancelled for reasons I’m still not fully clear on.
So I decided to hike it by myself. I haven’t hiked in a few weeks and I want to keep the momentum going!
I woke up early this morning and took care of my budget type things and got the dogs situated (sidenote: I have one dog, I’m dog sitting for a friend) and then got on my hiking clothes and off I went.
When I got there parking was a nightmare. But I circled around another time and found a spot. Because I wasn’t going to drive for thirty minutes just to turn around and go home without having hiked.
Off I went towards the trailhead.
Up I went on the path!
I noticed that I was walking faster and with more confidence. I have more trust in the strength of my legs and that helped a lot.
I passed the first rest area without resting.
Then, suddenly…it was like I hit a wall. I was in the middle of this one stretch of rocks and I just froze. I couldn’t go any further. The thought of doing so terrified me. I sat down. That didn’t help. I started wondering what would happen to me if I fell. Who would help me? What would happen? I was alone on a trail that scares me and it hit me and I got all up in my head about it.
Naturally, I wasn’t really alone. There were people everywhere. They just weren’t with me. They don’t know me. I don’t know them.
I managed to scoot down to a flatish area and I sat down and suddenly I was crying. I felt like an idiot.
A nice lady that calls herself Grandma Sandy saw me and asked it I was OK and I told her I was afraid of heights so she offered to walk down with me. She was awesome and sweet and called us Sandy and Andy and even though I hate being called Andy I let her because she was just so kind.
I walked faster down the trail than I have before and I realized that on trails like this, I still need the support of other people. And I’m not sure how I’m going to work around that.
The terrain still scares me, I guess. And I kinda hate that. And I really hate that I don’t have a really good, reliable support system locally or a group of friends. It stinks. I’m feeling it today a lot after this fear attack.
I have really awesome, support people in my life and they are all thrown about the country and world. And that’s great! I love them. But according to all sorts of research a healthy person also has that locally. And I don’t.
I’m being morose. This is not the place for that.
So, I’m trying really hard to view this as a win. Because on my first solo hike I didn’t go to an easy trail that I knew I could hike just fine and dandy on my own. I went to one that scares me. And I did make it a decent way up the trail. I was likely a bit over half way to the furthest I’ve gone with the work girls. So that’s a good thing! I managed to do that much on my own! And I can keep pushing myself and I can keep going further.
I have to learn to be the voice of kindness to myself. Have that be my first voice instead of the one I have to remind myself to use.
I did a solo hike on a trail that scares me today. I win.